Dr.Margolies is a writer for Psychology Today. Dr. Margolies has appeared in the media on the news and talk shows, commenting on current news, events and trauma. She has been interviewed by the Boston Globe, Boston Herald, Boston Magazine, Teen Voices, WebMD, Women’s Health, US News and World Report, and the Massachusetts Psychologist providing information/consultation on: relationships, career, self-esteem, trauma/post-traumatic stress, professional issues in the psychology field, midlife crises, and other topics.
Breaking out of self-destructive habits requires deliberate action - not willpower, talking, or insight alone. Escape behaviors are often an unconscious attempt to avoid shame and other difficult feeling states, but when they become habitual, they fuel more shame and isolation. Unwanted behavior patterns can develop a life of their own but can be tackled with practical neuroscience based tools that leverage the way the brain works.
Dr. Lynn Margolies is a Ph.D. experienced, licensed psychologist and former Harvard Medical School faculty and fellow. She was trained (internship and post-doctoral work) at a Harvard teaching hospital. Working with individuals, couples, and families, she offers Consultation, Brief or Long-term Counseling and psychotherapy...(Click for full description)
Dr. Margolies was trained in a broad spectrum of approaches to therapy and uses an eclectic, active approach with integrity and high standards of care. Her treatment orientation is tailored to the needs of each individual patient. She is well-versed in a range of psychodynamic approaches and integrates these orientations with family systems, cognitive-behavioral therapy and her own style, which is active, energetic, problem-solving, intuitive, and empowering, often with a sense of humor...(Click for full description)
This article offers perspective on why people go along with what others are doing even when those actions go against their own values, and sometimes even humanity.
An affair that is suddenly exposed or suddenly ends poses a particular risk situation for the vulnerable marriage with an unfaithful spouse. In the aftermath of an affair, feelings of loss, conflict and pressure can make it difficult to let go of the illicit relationship, compounding the lure that led to the affair in the first place...(Click for full article)
Crisis forces us to mobilize - or face even greater pain, and thereby offers newfound opportunity for growth. When marriages approach destruction, the painstaking work of self-evaluation and behavior change seems worth it...(Click for full article)
Fantasizing about another person may seem like a harmless indulgence, but it actually draws us closer to temptation and can increase the risk of being unfaithful...(Click for full article)
The truth is that any marriage can be vulnerable to an affair. There are different types of affairs. They may be motivated by the need for: excitement, sex, escape, feeling desirable, emotional connection, or a vehicle to leave a legitimately flawed marriage...(Click for full article)
Lately the annoying expression “I’m just saying” keeps coming up in everyday conversation. The remark preceded by “I’m just saying” is unsolicited and provocative. “I’m just saying” creates a confusing interpersonal dynamic. The speaker unconsciously attempts to trick the listener into believing an altered reality in which he or she is blameless, and the listener is implicitly accused of having an unfounded reaction...(Click for full article)
Most people are familiar with the frustration of trying to start a conversation with a spouse, teen, or young adult child who doesn’t want to talk. People make similar mistakes that are not so obvious when trying to engage someone who doesn’t want to talk. Considering the audience and previous interactions with them allows us to predict how conversations will play out and make informed decisions.
Boundary setting is challenging. Most people have difficulty and, without a strategy, resort to repeating the same tactic when unsuccessful, trying harder, or giving in. Boundaries protect relationships...(Click for full article)
Thoughtful preparation when it comes to conversations involving strong feelings is worth the effort in order to maximize success and effect damage control. Fast forwarding in our minds to predict how communications will likely play out can make it quickly obvious whether, with whom, how, and in what situations we want to engage around loaded topics...(Click for full article)
A common denominator and basis of all executive functioning is the ability to hold things in mind, step back and reflect. Without this capacity, it is difficult to have perspective, judgment, or control. Therefore, admonishing or punishing children who are not following the rules because of limited executive function is not only ineffective, but leads children who are already often frustrated and discouraged to feel bad about themselves and unsupported...(Click for full article)
Without accurately understanding children’s behavior, we may intervene in ways that compound the situation, creating a control struggle on top of the original problem. To be effective in helping children, we must accurately diagnose the problem and be curious: What’s causing this behavior? Though they may look the same, a problem of defiance is handled differently than one of capacity. Learning difficulties involving executive functioning are neurologically based, but executive functioning is sensitive to and impeded by stress. Parents’ reactions can, in this way, become an additional impediment to children’s executive functioning...(Click for full article)
With ADD, lack of capacity can trump the best intentions to use will-power and self-discipline to stay on track. ADD deficits often cause longstanding effects on careers and relationships, leading to underachievement and a chronic sense of frustration, shame, and failure. Educating ourselves and our loved ones about ADD is essential to prevent needless judgment, shaming, and self-blame that are common with this condition. Then, instead, we will be in a position to harness the unique, inspired energy of the ADD mind...(Click for full article)
Failure to set appropriate boundaries in mother-son relationships often results in persistent in-law tensions, and divisions and factions in marriages. Numerous marital problems fall into this category and can be traced to habitual boundary difficulties between mothers and sons which spill over into the man’s relationship with his spouse...(Click for full article)
Authoritarian parenting and parental aggression, requiring submission and obedience, can backfire. Forcing obedience breeds aggression, resentment, and the need to escape through disobedience or becoming submerged. Also, children internalize blueprints from the family. Experiences in the family become imprinted in the brain, serving as templates for future relationships...(Click for full article)
Why do men so often find themselves in the doghouse with women? They try to please. They try to say the “right” thing. They do favors, buy gifts, work hard, and aim to live up to their responsibilities as a man...(Click for full article)
Some men have a pattern of instinctively accommodating and then becoming resentful and acting it out - often without realizing it. Men vulnerable to this dynamic may have limited self-awareness or skills to communicate their needs and feelings directly. Secret rebellion against feeling controlled can manifest unconsciously through forgetting, lateness, silence, irritability. Learn how to read the signs so that you can protect your relationship and prevent negative cycles of disconnection and hidden conflict...(Click for full article)
There are aspects of men’s experiences that are particular to being male. In working with men, it is important for a psychologist to understand the differences in men’s experiences, what men need, and how to best help them achieve their goals...(Click for full article)
Underlying each of these vignettes, though not stated explicitly, is a feeling that many men share that their wives are not really their friend. For men, a “friend” means someone who likes you, is happy for you when you make it, and who encourages you in your career and personal goals because in spite of all else, they really do want you to be happy. Research on marriage has found that celebrating your partner’s success is an essential ingredient of a good marriage, and actually more predictive of a good marriage than being supportive when your partner is unhappy...(Click for full article)
Male midlife crisis is a term used to describe a male identity crisis that occurs at around midlife. Men in a midlife crisis feel trapped in an identity or lifestyle that feels constraining and they want to break out...(Click for full article)
Midlife crises can occur in both men and women but take a particular form in men facing identity crises, often spilling into family life. Men in midlife crises feel hopelessly trapped in an identity or lifestyle they experience as constraining, fueled by an acute awareness of time passing. Finding themselves in a life that feels empty and inauthentic, they feel pressure to break out, and may desperately grasp at a chance for vitality and pleasure...(Click for full article)
We can all probably easily recognize this story as a clear case of a child being put in the middle between divorced parents. But what can be done?...Children can have qualitatively different attachments with each parent. Research consistently shows that a secure attachment with a parent or other trusted adult can ameliorate the effects of troubled attachments and trauma, creating new experiences and new pathways in the brain...(Click for full article)
This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in therapy to represent both teen and parent viewpoints on anger and guilt in families during divorce.Sabrina, 18, was a freshman away at college. Shortly after she arrived at school she found out that her parents had just split up. Sabrina also soon discovered that her dad had been having an affair since she was in high school, and was still involved with the other woman...(Click for full article)
How do we deal with getting our loved ones to do what we want them to do? In all relationships we feel the tension created by this dilemma. The subtext of interactions between parents and children facing conflict shapes the template kids develop and carry with them...(Click for full article)
As the child becomes an adult, a mother with an anxious, insecure attachment style may refuse to let go, secretly needing to remain the primary love attachment. This may not become apparent until her son find a romantic love partner and devotes himself to her, allowing a competitor to enter the scene. The situation is then often enacted in full drama around family events and holidays when the mother’s explicit demands, and (unspoken) expectation of “loyalty” (e.g. exclusive love) from her son, conflicts with his role as a husband...(Click for full article)
Difficulties with separation often are activated during developmental transitions such as the first day of kindergarten, adolescence, high school graduation, leaving home and finally, marriage. At these junctures, mothers need to step back and let go, allowing their children to mature and transition to the next level...(Click for full article)
Empathic ability, or “mind reading,” is an aspect of brain development that occurs as parents are able to read their children’s reactions and respond emotionally in a way that helps kids regulate their emotional states. This process also involves the parent helping the child understand what is happening interpersonally and emotionally. The child digests and internalizes such experiences, building the capacity to make sense of themselves and relationships, and to manage emotions in interpersonal situations...(Click for full article)
Many people experience vicarious distress when imagining other people’s reactions, which can hold them back from taking needed action in those relationships.
When grades are slipping and teens don’t seem to be taking action, it’s easy to react from frustration and helplessness. Under pressure, parents can fall into common traps without realizing it. Doing so unintentionally adds to kids’ anxiety and discouragement, which saps motivation and destabilizes them...(Click for full article)
Parents don’t have the power to influence whether children are gay but do have the power to influence how children feel about themselves. A close relationship with parents has been found to provide the best insulation from dangers in the outside world...(Click for full article)
When kids independently do what we would have wanted, either their natural inclinations sync with our values - or our values have been successfully transmitted. At these happy moments, an ill-timed temptation to jump in to emphasize a lesson may pop up from anxiety, perfectionism, or difficulty letting go. Instead of riding the wave and following children’s lead, we hijack it, emphasizing our approval, offering rewards, or reminding them this is what we’ve been saying all along...(Click for full article)
Families are in transition now as college age kids that used to be living at school are returning home. Many parents are struggling with how to live with their kids who are often bolder now and have new ways of living and acting that pose a problem for parents. This column is a response to many parents requesting help with how to approach and word unwelcome conversations with their...(Click for full article)
According to the National Institute of Health, drinking - the drug of choice among youth - plays a major role in death from injuries, and injuries are the leading cause of death for kids under 21...(Click for full article)
One of the most common and difficult challenges for parents is how to contain our reactions, and not make things worse, when children don’t do well or fail to measure up to our expectations. Certain types of families with children who are not high achievers, or who have impediments getting in the way, have a harder time dealing with this issue in their kids and are more vulnerable...(Click for full article)
When parents feel guilty or excessively bad for children, it’s harder to set limits, be truthful and direct, and challenge kids within their zone of capability. This inhibits opportunities for children to develop self-control, confidence and realistic expectations of themselves and others, perpetuating the cycle of underachievement...(Click for full article)
This blog discusses the unique strengths of sensitive kids...(Click for full blog)
Our teens are embedded in a culture driven by competition and perfectionism, where success is defined by status, performance and appearance. These values are transmitted to our children nonverbally through our emotional state and through what we notice, are impressed with, and praise or discourage in them...(Click for full article)
The challenge of getting distracted, strong-willed and many other kids to follow routines and guidelines can test any parent’s patience. The flavor of the struggle varies with age and topic, but begins when toddlers first discover autonomy and revel in saying “no,” persisting throughout adolescence...(Click for full article)
Parents may have a clear vision of their child’s “potential.” When this is discrepant from kids’ actual performance, they may fear their children’s futures. Even more unnerving is when kids don’t share these visions or worries. It’s enough to make any parent want to shake them into shape. “Potential,” however, must incorporate personality, developmental and emotional factors which impinge on resilience and capacity. For example, bright kids may get poor grades when they are unable to withstand pressure, or when energies are consumed by urgent concerns such as fitting in socially or fear of failing...(Click for full article)
This blog discusses interesting new research on the positive biological effects of love and support...(Click for full blog)
This blog discusses recent findings that women may be more effective than men in negotiating finances in certain situations and making smart decisions...(Click for full blog)
This blog discusses research on the positive effect of psychotherapy in changing the brain and the positive ways the mind can impact biology...(Click for full blog)
This blog discusses recent data on guns, violence, and abuse...(Click for full blog)
This blog summarizes recent research findings on the most successful ways to influence people's behavior...(Click for full blog)
This blog discusses recent findings on the long-term effects of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. Other topics: how binge drinking in adolescents affects gene expression in adulthood, and recent finding on marijuana use in people with bipolar disorder...(Click for full blog)
This blog discusses research findings on why men need space...(Click for full blog)
This blog summarizes the latest scientific findings on the usage and effects of marijuana (and new types of marijuana) and alcohol in youths...(Click for full blog)
Many people seek partners based on a list of qualifications or instinctive attraction to certain types. These approaches, though popular, do not consider the flavor that will emerge when features they are drawn to co-mingle with their own personality...(Click for full article)
Feelings that are unconscious or unresolved make themselves known through actions and symptoms. Persevering to uncover the true and often underlying meaning of symptoms and behaviors may not only save your relationship, but also open you up to a deeper awareness of yourself and your partner...(Click for full article)
A common but often undetected source of conflict in relationships is harboring an inaccurate belief about your partner’s (or teenager’s) intentions. Our perception of why the other person did or didn’t do something, and what we believe that means...(Click for full article)
Marital/couples therapy is a form of therapy which involves working with both partners of a couple to improve their relationship and/or help them make important decisions about the relationship...(Click for full article)
This column offers a simple strategy to help couples reduce and de-escalate conflict. It discusses common struggles behind closed doors. Common issues between spouses during the pandemic have to do with risk tolerance differences, feeling trapped and resentful. This piece offers perspective and ideas that will help in practical ways and apply to couples in general around other issues and in other situations.
Relationships and the ending of relationships are one of the most common reasons for talking to a psychologist. When relationships end, many people find themselves overtaken by powerful feelings...(Click for full article)
Selfish behavior or lack of empathy frequently is caused by hidden hurt and resentment tied to longstanding unresolved marital issues...(Click for full article)
Shame is: “I am bad” vs. “I did something bad.” Hidden shame often drives self-destructive behaviors and other psychological symptoms such as rage, avoidance, or addictions...(Click for full article)
Well, forgiveness is not so simple. We cannot just decide to forgive and command ourselves to make it happen through sheer force of will...(Click for full article)
This easy to read article describes the difference between normal and toxic shame, why shame is worse than guilt, and how shame is transmitted and its effects.
Guilt can be used unconsciously to get loved ones to do what we want. Even though this method doesn't always produce the intended effects, we may resort to it when feeling helpless in the face of longing and disappointment...(Click for full article)
In order to help teens, we must accurately diagnose why a particular teen in a particular context is irritable or reactive - rather than respond in a reflexive way...(Click for full article)
How can we tell whether our reactions are coming from our own unresolved issues versus “legitimate”?...(Click for full article)
Recognize that, though they will say otherwise (and that’s ok), teens feel protected by limits. No one likes feeling out of control without anyone strong enough to help them...(Click for full article)
This story is about a teenager who undergoes a crisis of confidence, after her identity was challenged by a sports injury. Her resulting difficulties challenged the well-being and stability of the whole family...(Click for full article)
This is the story of a kid who feels propelled to act out - yet equally powerful is his unconscious need to get caught. The essence of what’s needed is to listen and respond to danger in a firm and caring way. Protection occurs through interested, open, informed, pro-active, non-judgmental conversation - and appropriate limits delivered in a non-punitive way. The research finding that a close, supportive relationship with parents (as perceived by teenagers) is the most protective measure against underage drinking, sexual activity and violence is good news for us and no surprise...(Click for full article)
Casey, having just turned 18, is faced with suddenly being “grown up.” The more his mom tells him what to do and what he needs to learn for college, the less confident he feels, requiring him to put up a front of independence and bravado and having to argue the position that he already knows how to do everything. Unimpeded development of self-confidence and independence in children is contingent on mothers’ ability to provide a protective, but not over-protective, or obtrusive presence...(Click for full article)
Without knowing how to decode teens behavior, and/or when emotional factors interfere with perspective, parents are vulnerable to misinterpreting difficult situations based on their own feelings and the literal, often misleading message they perceive from teens...(Click for full article)
What to say to teens who think everything is none of your business and use that and other porcupine tactics.
Parents of teens can use answers. But it’s not so easy to stay updated. This questionnaire highlights common questions and popular confusions to help parents sort out truth from fiction...(Click for full article)
The teenage brain has been compared to a car with a powerful gas pedal and weak brakes when stimulated by the presence, or even anticipated witnessing, of other teens. Drawn to their peers, teens pull away from us - and then rev each other up into risky experimenting and sensation-seeking. Parents can help teens stay safer and develop the skills to make better decisions by using approaches informed by the teenage mindset. An effective and empowering strategy with teens involves being mindful of their limitations and intrinsic motivations/drives, using their biases to our (and their) advantage - and in the service of positive choices...(Click for full article)
Although we don’t usually think of suicide as contagious, one of the strongest predictors of suicide in youth is the suicide or suicide attempt of a friend or family member...(Click for full article)
This blog summarizes recent research on the risk to teens when they feel they can’t talk to their parents as well as the dangers of chronic exposure to the pressure to be perfect (not specific to teens)...(Click for full blog)
Research suggests that adolescence may represent a “critical period” in which the brain is particularly sensitive to being shaped by experiences - creating both vulnerability and opportunity depending on what behaviors are practiced during this time. Teens who take the most risks have relatively poorer outcomes in adulthood in relationships and work. But, interestingly, teens who are risk averse have equally poor outcomes as those who are the riskiest...(Click for full article)
Daniel’s story speaks to the insidious danger of hidden pain in teens who feel unspoken pressure to be “good” to protect their parents or make up for other family problems - however secret or veiled. In such situations teens are vulnerable to using desperate measures to escape their feelings, or break out of their concealed inner life and test their parent’s love...(Click for full article)
Approaching - rather than avoiding - problems using a confident, matter-of-fact, respectful demeanor and time-limited, planned approach helps desensitize teens to their fear of anxiety (the cause of panic). The accumulated experience of doing this expands teens’ capacity to tolerate feelings rather than have meltdowns...(Click for full article)
This article offers helpful hints about talking to your teen about drinking. Intent and motive (easily sensed by teens) are what differentiate consequences and limits (protective) from punishment and control (reactive). Some teens want limits imposed by parents so they can restrict themselves and still save face. But limits should be informed by understanding the teen’s particular unspoken needs and vulnerabilities - and tempered by a calm tone, uncritical language, and positive message...(Click for full article)
This blog discusses recent research on teen recklessness and how it's not what you think...(Click for full blog)
What should parents do when they discover that their young teen or pre-teen has been looking at pornography sites online?... And what are the potential negative effects of viewing online pornography?...(Click for full article)
This blog discusses important findings on sexual assault on campus... (Click for full blog)
The senior year countdown to college brings out parents’ worries and fears alongside teens’ own anxieties and self-doubt. During this time of escalating pressure and stress in families, parents can fall into common traps that defeat their intention to help and interfere with teens developing capacities...(Click for full article)
This article is about a common dynamic in families in which parents feel controlled by their teen's anger, irritability, and/or fragility and, as a result, avoid approaching certain topics or setting needed limits - with unintended consequences for kids and parents. It discusses this dynamic, common obstacles to giving truthful feedback and setting boundaries, and gives practical tips for how to overcome them...(Click for full article)
There are two states of mind we can be in when it comes to temptation: zooming in and fantasizing about the rush, or zooming out and seeing the broader picture of how things will play out if we act on our impulses. Knowing where our actions will lead before a tempting situation takes hold gives us a chance to make an informed decision...(Click for full article)
An ill-fated but common problem is failing to recognize rumination as a sign of anxiety, and confusing it with thinking things through...(Click for full article)
When childhood dynamics play out in adulthood, the spouse can get roped in. Conflict over competing loyalties is a dysfunctional family dynamic with men who haven't psychologically separated from their mothers. To have a secure adult relationship, a developmental transition has to occur in which the spouse replaces the mom as the primary attachment. Childhood emotional manipulation can create psychological vulnerability that affects adult romantic attachments.
Dysfunctional behavior patterns are habits with psychological, often unconscious motives. Breaking them requires not only insight into what function they serve and the discipline to stop them, but the courage and initiative to try out new behaviors and allow a different chain of events to be set in motion. On a neurobehavioral level, new behaviors that generate positive feedback create new pathways in the brain, allowing momentum for psychological growth and change...(Click for full article)
We all experience rejection as painful. The need to fit in and be accepted is hard-wired into us - affecting adult relationships, parents and their kids, and kids in peer relationships...(Click for full article)
When we witness people in our lives headed down the wrong path - it’s a natural instinct to correct them, educate them about what’s wrong with what they’re doing, and argue the merits of our position. But this approach, rather than helping people change their ways, can rope us into a frustrating and exhausting struggle...(Click for full article)
We all are faced at times with trying to persuade others to make behavioral changes, or needing to do so ourselves. These efforts can leave us feeling frustrated and helpless; our good intentions seem to be in vain. Why is it that we don’t act to change patterns, even when we promise to do so and it is obviously in our best interest?...(Click for full article)
Decision making is often skewed by personality dynamics and psychological issues that unconsciously limit choice and bias people towards staying or going... (Click for full article)
Decisions can be motivated by thoughtful consideration from our higher mind (frontal lobe/executive functions), or fear-based survival instincts (amygdala, impulses) from a more primitive mind. When decisions are informed by our higher mind, they are more likely to lead to positive outcomes. Alternatively, decisions driven by fear and survival instincts from the past can leave us stuck in old patterns and hold us back...(Click for full article)
This blog discusses recent findings that naps can improve alertness, mood, and clarity of thinking...(Click for full blog)
This article discusses confusing patterns that occur with narcissistic and controlling parents and other people...(Click for full article)
A clinical psychologist is a highly trained expert of the mind and heart who understands feelings, thinking, behavior, relationships, healthy and unhealthy coping, painful and disruptive symptoms, psychological growth and change...(Click for full article)
Milestones such as weddings and graduations are complicated and not always filled with bliss...(Click for full article)
In many cases the obstacle to change is that we were never fully on board with giving up these patterns in the first place. But why wouldn’t people who seem to, or should, “know better” be motivated to stop doing something that goes against themselves or hurts people they love?...(Click for full article)
Research has shown that regardless of what happened in the past, we can heal and grow and be good parents. Findings in neurobiology further suggest that whether we heal or continue to pass on our pain is determined by our capacity to know and integrate the truth of our experience into a cohesive story - emotionally and interpersonally, past and present. Julius struggled with periodic bouts of anger, mostly towards his children and occasionally his wife, Elizabeth. During these incidents, he projected a superior and critical attitude and became entrenched in rigid, pre-fabricated ways of thinking and acting. He exhibited an impenetrable certainty that he was “right” and was convinced that others deserved what they got and needed to be taught a lesson - a way of thinking and behaving reminiscent of his dad...(Click for full article)
Most of us know that persevering - staying the course and not giving up despite difficulties and setbacks - is an important part of what it takes to be successful in many areas of life. But perseverance, like other intrinsically healthy behaviors, can be taken too far and actually work against moving forward...(Click for full article)
Most of us function by maintaining an illusion of control over life with only dim awareness of possible catastrophe. A basic sense of security runs in the background of our psyche - like a computer operating system - imperceptible until it crashes. When our security is ripped away by trauma, we’re shocked and catapulted into a different reality. Suddenly the threat of danger and loss looms large, making us acutely aware that life is fragile...(Click for full article)
Many people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder fail to seek treatment because of not having correctly identified or recognized their symptoms as trauma-related, and/or not knowing their symptoms are treatable. Also, the inherent avoidance, withdrawal, memory disruption, fear, guilt, shame, and mistrust associated with PTSD, can make it difficult to come forward and seek help. The process of integration allows the trauma to become a part of normal memory rather than something to be perpetually feared and avoided, interfering with normal life, and frozen in time...(Click for full article)
People often avoid and isolate those who are grieving or have terminal illnesses, either literally or emotionally. They don’t know what to say or how to act - staying far enough away to preclude being able to really relate. They change the topic to the luck of it all or steer clear of talking about the elephant in the room...(Click for full article)
Women seem to have a reputation for being “catty” and competitive with other women, unlike how men behave with other men. This is a curious notion, especially since women are actually less competitive than men out in the world and less comfortable being competitive...(Click for full article)
Some struggles that women experience are common to many women, and can therefore be attributed or understood in this larger context of what it means, biologically and socially to be female...(Click for full article)
