Articles on When You Are Not The Problem

by Dr. Lynn Margolies

Back to Therapy 101

The characters from the vignettes in Dr. Margolies’ articles are fictitious and designed to be relatable to many people and common themes. They are not based on any patient’s individual situation or disclosure but were derived from a composite of people and events for the purpose of representing real-life situations and psychological dilemmas. Terms of Use.

Couples Therapy

Marital/couples therapy is a form of therapy which involves working with both partners of a couple to improve their relationship and/or help them make important decisions about the relationship.

How to Get People to Make Good Decisions (and Not Cause Them to Do the Opposite)

When we witness people in our lives headed down the wrong path – it’s a natural instinct to correct them, educate them about what’s wrong with what they’re doing, and argue the merits of our position. But this approach, rather than helping people change their ways, can rope us into a frustrating and exhausting struggle. Worse, though we may be “right”, this logical strategy frequently backfires and, unbeknownst to the helper, ends up reinforcing the other person’s will to do the opposite – on top of creating conflict in the relationship.

How to Overcome Obstacles to Change

We all are faced at times with trying to persuade other people, or ourselves, to change a behavior. BUt our efforts and good intentions can leave us feeling frustrated and helpless. Why is it that people don’t just do what is needed to change unhelpful patterns, even when they promise to do so and it’s obviously in their best interest?

How to Tell If Your Decisions Are From Your Evolved or Primitive Brain

Decisions can be motivated by thoughtful consideration from our higher mind (frontal lobe/executive functions), or fear-based survival instincts (amygdala, impulses) from a more primitive mind. When decisions are informed by our higher mind, they are more likely to lead to positive outcomes. Alternatively, decisions driven by fear and survival instincts from the past can leave us stuck in old patterns and hold us back.

Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues

Relationships and the ending of relationships are one of the most common reasons for talking to a psychologist. When relationships end, many people find themselves overtaken by powerful feelings.

Influencing People: What Works to Change Behavior (and How It Applies to Parenting)

Without accurately understanding children’s behavior, we may intervene in ways that compound the situation, creating a control struggle on top of the original problem. To be effective in helping children, we must accurately diagnose the problem and be curious: What’s causing this behavior? Though they may look the same, a problem of defiance is handled differently than one of capacity. Learning difficulties involving executive functioning are neurologically based, but executive functioning is sensitive to and impeded by stress. Parents’ reactions can, in this way, become an additional impediment to children’s executive functioning.

Is Therapy Just a Crutch – or Does It Make You Smarter?

Is therapy good for you? Discover how therapy scientifically improves brain function, enhances learning, and fosters smarter life decisions.

Men’s Issues: How Therapy Can Help

There are aspects of men’s experiences that are particular to being male. In working with men, it is important for a psychologist to understand the differences in men’s experiences, what men need, and how to best help them achieve their goals.

Therapy Isn’t Just Talking About Problems – Here’s Why

Therapy is more than just talking about your problems. It’s a powerful platform for learning and healing. Therapy eases emotional distress, and can jump start your ability to move forward, practice more effective strategies, make more intentional decisions, and be healthier and more resilient overall – both mentally and physically.

Unintended Effects of Popular Advice

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: Sorry, You Don’t Get an A for Effort (December 29th 2025)

What Can Therapy Do for Me?

Benefits of therapy include reduced anxiety, improved relationships, trauma recovery, better decision-making, resilience, and personal growth.

What Men Say About Their Wives Behind Closed Doors

Underlying the stories that men tell iabout their wives n therapy is the feeling that their wives are not really their friend. Women don’t seem to realize this. For men, a “friend” means someone who likes you, is happy for you when you make it, and who encourages you in your career and personal goals because in spite of all else, they really do want you to be happy. Research on marriage has found that celebrating your partner’s success is an essential ingredient of a good marriage, and actually more predictive of a good marriage than being supportive when your partner is unhappy.

Women’s Issues: How Therapy Can Help

Some struggles that women experience are common to many women, and can therefore be attributed to or understood in this larger context of what it means to be a woman in this culture. Framing women’s issues in this larger context helps to normalize these struggles, rather than blame women for them and unfairly contribute to their shame and self-doubt.

You Should Be So Lucky: Dealing With Tragedy

People often avoid and isolate those who are grieving or have terminal illnesses, either literally or emotionally – inadvertently isolating the person in their lives who is suffering. They are uncomfortable, don’t know what to say or how to act – staying far enough away to preclude being able to really relate. They change the topic to the luck of it all or steer clear of talking about the elephant in the room. Why do people act this way.