Ph.D. Psychologist
Newton, MA
Popular Psychology Topics
By Dr. Lynn Margolies
In This Section
The characters from the vignettes in Dr. Margolies’ articles are fictitious and designed to be relatable to many people and common themes. They are not based on any patient’s individual situation or disclosure but were derived from a composite of people and events for the purpose of representing real-life situations and psychological dilemmas. Terms of Use.
10 Ways to Stop the Spiral of Self-Destructive Behaviors
Breaking out of self-destructive habits requires deliberate action – not willpower, talking, or insight alone. Escape behaviors are often an unconscious attempt to avoid shame and other difficult feeling states, but when they become habitual, they fuel more shame and isolation. Unwanted behavior patterns can develop a life of their own but can be tackled with practical neuroscience-based tools that leverage the way the brain works.
5 Common Mistakes When Engaging Someone Who Won’t Talk
People make similar mistakes that are not so obvious when trying to engage someone who doesn’t want to talk. Considering the audience and previous interactions with them allows us to predict how conversations will play out and make informed decisions. Good timing is observing the other person’s mood and state of mind, and getting their consent before launching a question or statement.
5 Simple Steps: Get Control Over Shame & Self-Destructive Behavior
Shame is: “I am bad” vs. “I did something bad.” Hidden shame often drives self-destructive behaviors and other psychological symptoms such as rage, avoidance, or addictions.
Amazing Doesn’t Have to Mean Superhuman & Perfectionistic
Dr. Margolies’ Letter to the editor with a response from the publication.
Apology Not Accepted: Why “Sorry” Won’t Get You Off the Hook
Learn the psychology behind bad apologies (and a simple formula for success).
Are You Confusing Rumination With Problem-Solving?
An ill-fated but common problem is failing to recognize rumination as a sign of anxiety, and confusing it with thinking things through.
Barriers to True Forgiveness
Well, forgiveness is not so simple. We cannot just decide to forgive and command ourselves to make it happen through sheer force of will.
Being An Actual Imposter is Now More Popular Than Imposter Syndrome
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: It’s the Era of Swagger Without the Sweat (Savannah Sobrevilla, March 29, 2026)
Couples Therapy
Marital/couples therapy is a form of therapy which involves working with both partners of a couple to improve their relationship and/or help them make important decisions about the relationship.
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on Why Rebellion Is Subordination in Disguise
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: How college-educated Republicans learned to love Trump again (Michael Bender, January 14)
Fantasy, Secrecy, & Compartmentalization Act as Psychological Accomplices to Affairs
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: Coldplay And the Dignity Of Shame (July 23, 2025)
Getting Unhooked From Pain & Choosing Happiness
Self-defeating behaviors can be understood as habits with psychological, often unconscious motives. Breaking these habits requires not only insight into the function they serve and the resolve to stop them, but the courage and initiative to try out new behaviors, thereby setting in motion a different chain of events. On a neurobehavioral level, new behaviors that generate positive feedback create new pathways in the brain, allowing momentum for psychological growth and change.
Good News If You Often Feel Rejected
We all experience rejection as painful. The need to fit in and be accepted is hard-wired. The primal sensitivity to rejection impacts adult relationships, child and teen peer relationships, as well as parents and their children.
How to Get People to Make Good Decisions (and Not Cause Them to Do the Opposite)
When we witness people in our lives headed down the wrong path – it’s a natural instinct to correct them, educate them about what’s wrong with what they’re doing, and argue the merits of our position. But this approach, rather than helping people change their ways, can rope us into a frustrating and exhausting struggle. Worse, though we may be “right”, this logical strategy frequently backfires and, unbeknownst to the helper, ends up reinforcing the other person’s will to do the opposite – on top of creating conflict in the relationship.
How to Overcome Obstacles to Change
We all are faced at times with trying to persuade other people, or ourselves, to change a behavior. BUt our efforts and good intentions can leave us feeling frustrated and helpless. Why is it that people don’t just do what is needed to change unhelpful patterns, even when they promise to do so and it’s obviously in their best interest?
How to Resist Temptation & Be More in Control
There are two states of mind we can be in when it comes to temptation: zooming in and fantasizing about the rush, or zooming out and seeing the broader picture of how things will play out if we act on our impulses. Knowing where our actions will lead before a tempting situation takes hold gives us a chance to make an informed decision.
How to Tell If It’s Time to Cut Your Losses: 6 Signs
Knowing when to quit (and that you’re not just bailing) involves predicting how the future will play out, thinking about our future self, and what matters most.
How to Tell If Your Decisions Are From Your Evolved or Primitive Brain
Decisions can be motivated by thoughtful consideration from our higher mind (frontal lobe/executive functions), or fear-based survival instincts (amygdala, impulses) from a more primitive mind. When decisions are informed by our higher mind, they are more likely to lead to positive outcomes. Alternatively, decisions driven by fear and survival instincts from the past can leave us stuck in old patterns and hold us back.
Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues
Relationships and the ending of relationships are one of the most common reasons for talking to a psychologist. When relationships end, many people find themselves overtaken by powerful feelings.
Influencing People: What Works to Change Behavior (and How It Applies to Parenting)
Without accurately understanding children’s behavior, we may intervene in ways that compound the situation, creating a control struggle on top of the original problem. To be effective in helping children, we must accurately diagnose the problem and be curious: What’s causing this behavior? Though they may look the same, a problem of defiance is handled differently than one of capacity. Learning difficulties involving executive functioning are neurologically based, but executive functioning is sensitive to and impeded by stress. Parents’ reactions can, in this way, become an additional impediment to children’s executive functioning.
Jordan Neely Was Hungry. Did No One Offer Him Something to Eat?
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on a Boston Globe Column: A Black man desperate for help instead finds death on the N.Y. subway (Renée Graham, May 5)
“Pleasing” Is Not the Proper Word
Describing yourself (or someone else) as a “people pleaser” confuses subordinating yourself with altruism, and encourages this unhealthy behavior. Read Dr. Margolies commentary in the New York Times to understand the psychology behind the term “people pleaser” and why the language you use matters.
Should You Punish Bad Behavior? the Answer May Surprise You
Should you punish bad behavior? Punishment, including self-punishment, can teach the wrong lesson and is different from consequences. Even when we (or someone else) deserve to feel guilty, guilt can backfire and make people worse.
The Paths to Progress for Our Graduates
Perfectionism in teens is rising with pressure to succeed. Learn how parental expectations impact mental health and shape success beyond high school.
The Psychology of Adults Who Are Controlled by a Parent
When childhood dynamics play out in adulthood, the spouse can get roped in.Conflict over competing loyalties is a dysfunctional family dynamic with men who haven’t psychologically separated from their mothers. To have a secure adult relationship, a developmental transition has to occur in which the spouse replaces the mom as the primary attachment. Childhood emotional manipulation can create psychological vulnerability that affects adult romantic attachments.
The Teen Temperament
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on a New York Times Column: Younger Teenagers Make Their Case to Vote (Sunday Styles, Aug. 10)
Unintended Effects of Popular Advice
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: Sorry, You Don’t Get an A for Effort (December 29th 2025)
We Can Have an Impact
Dr. Margolies’ commentary on a New York Times article with a headline that used a poor choice of words.
Weddings, Graduations & Other Chapter Endings
Milestones such as weddings and graduations and other chapter endings are complicated and not always filled with bliss. This article is about the psychologiy of navigating major life transitions. Major transitions are difficult because they unexpectedly activate struggles around saying good-bye, letting go, facing change, and interpersonal conflicts.
When Does Repentance Fail to Lead to Improved Behavior?
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: The Raw Power of Repentance (French, July 28th 2025)
When Perseverance Costs You Success
Most of us know that persevering – staying the course and not giving up despite difficulties and setbacks – is an important part of what it takes to be successful in many areas of life. But perseverance, like other intrinsically healthy behaviors, can be taken too far and actually work against moving forward.
Why Appeasing or Being Silent Attracts Aggression in Bullies
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: Trump Is Playing Rope-a-Dope With Elite Law Firms (Jeffrey Toobin, March 5)
