A column in the New York Times on July 28th 2025, “The Raw Power of Repentance,” written by French, articulated a profound message that was dramatized in the Bear television series. The message was about how languishing in regret and empty apologies can actually perpetuate conflict and deepen interpersonal wounds, in the guise of making amends.
Using the story as an example, French makes a distinction between regret and repentance, concluding that repentance, defined as action away from bad behavior, rather than regret, defined as feeling bad, is needed to heal damaged relationships.
It’s true that guilt alone and empty apologies, in the wake of repeated bad behavior, intensifies relationship injuries.
But the distinction he draws between the impact of regret and repentance is misleading and problematic – idealizing or oversimplifying the meaning of these states and how they play out. So called repentance can be used in the service of feeling absolved, while continuing to avoid taking responsibility and/or continuing bad behavior. Conversely, guilt and feelings of regret can inspire positive behavior change.
Whether improved behavior are sustainable and have a positive impact often depends on what motivates it. Are we making an intentional decision inspired by our values, or reacting instinctively to make ourselves feel better? When suffering threatens to overwhelm us, we can become self-absorbed and driven by a compulsive need to escape pain through behaviors that not only damage relationships, but create a cycle of shame, avoidance, and poor judgment that continues until the balance shifts and the rubble in our wake forces us to wake up to what matters.
The Teen Temperament