Articles on Self-Defeating Patterns

by Dr. Lynn Margolies

Back to Men’s Issues

The characters from the vignettes in Dr. Margolies’ articles are fictitious and designed to be relatable to many people and common themes. They are not based on any patient’s individual situation or disclosure but were derived from a composite of people and events for the purpose of representing real-life situations and psychological dilemmas. Terms of Use.

10 Ways to Stop the Spiral of Self-Destructive Behaviors

Breaking out of self-destructive habits requires deliberate action – not willpower, talking, or insight alone. Escape behaviors are often an unconscious attempt to avoid shame and other difficult feeling states, but when they become habitual, they fuel more shame and isolation. Unwanted behavior patterns can develop a life of their own but can be tackled with practical neuroscience-based tools that leverage the way the brain works.

5 Simple Steps: Get Control Over Shame & Self-Destructive Behavior

Shame is: “I am bad” vs. “I did something bad.” Hidden shame often drives self-destructive behaviors and other psychological symptoms such as rage, avoidance, or addictions.

Apology Not Accepted: Why “Sorry” Won’t Get You Off the Hook

Learn the psychology behind bad apologies (and a simple formula for success).

Being a Grownup When Your Kid Hates You

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in therapy, depicting both the teen and parent’s viewpoints in divorce when the parent child relationship is affected by anger and guilt. The stories are followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance.

Competing Family Loyalties

As the child becomes an adult, a mother with an anxious, insecure attachment style may refuse to let go, secretly needing to remain the primary love attachment. This may not become apparent until her son find a romantic love partner and devotes himself to her, allowing a competitor to enter the scene. The situation is then often enacted in full drama around family events and holidays when the mother’s explicit demands, and (unspoken) expectation of “loyalty” (e.g. exclusive love) from her son, conflicts with his role as a husband.

Couples Therapy

Marital/couples therapy is a form of therapy which involves working with both partners of a couple to improve their relationship and/or help them make important decisions about the relationship.

Dear John (or Jane) Text/Emails: Closing the Door After an Affair

An affair that is suddenly exposed or suddenly ends poses a particular risk situation for the vulnerable marriage with an unfaithful spouse. In the aftermath of an affair, feelings of loss, conflict and pressure can make it difficult to let go of the illicit relationship, compounding the lure that led to the affair in the first place.

How to Be Protective When Your Son Thinks He Is Gay

Parents don’t have the power to influence whether their child is gay or not, but do have the power to influence how their child feels about themselves. A close relationship with parents has been found to provide the best insulation from dangers in the outside world.

How to Resist Temptation & Be More in Control

There are two states of mind we can be in when it comes to temptation: zooming in and fantasizing about the rush, or zooming out and seeing the broader picture of how things will play out if we act on our impulses. Knowing where our actions will lead before a tempting situation takes hold gives us a chance to make an informed decision.

How to Snap People Out of Compulsive Self-Defeating Patterns

Understand why smart people repeat self-defeating patterns. Learn strategies to overcome self-sabotage and break compulsive behaviors permanently.

In the Doghouse… Again: Male & Misunderstood

Why do men so often find themselves in the doghouse with women? They try to please. They try to say the “right” thing. They do favors, buy gifts, work hard, and aim to live up to their responsibilities as a man.

Manipulative or Unaware? Inside the Male Mind

Some men have a pattern of instinctively accommodating and then becoming resentful and acting it out – often without realizing it. Men vulnerable to this dynamic may have limited self-awareness or skills to communicate their needs and feelings directly. Secret rebellion against feeling controlled can manifest unconsciously through forgetting, lateness, silence, irritability. Learn how to read the signs so that you can protect your relationship and prevent negative cycles of disconnection and hidden conflict.

Men’s Issues: How Therapy Can Help

There are aspects of men’s experiences that are particular to being male. In working with men, it is important for a psychologist to understand the differences in men’s experiences, what men need, and how to best help them achieve their goals.

Midlife Crises Affecting Men & Families

Midlife crises can occur in both men and women but take a particular form in men facing identity crises, often spilling into family life.

Midlife Crises Can Lead to Growth, Destruction

In midlife crisis men often feel lost or trapped. Learn how men can navigate crises, avoid destructive choices, and find genuine fulfillment.

Outlawed by Your In-Laws

Failure to set appropriate boundaries with a mother often results in persistent in-law conflicts and problems in the marriage. Many marital issues fall into this category and can be traced to habitual boundary difficulties between mothers and sons which spill over into the man’s relationship with his wife.

Power Plays Between Brothers & Families

This column tells a story about power plays between brothers and in families, depicting how the troubled relationship between two brothers was a therapeutic opportunity to change maladaptive family patterns. The story is told from both the parent’s and the brothers’ perspectives, followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and practical guidance to the family.

Risk Tolerance: What to Do When Yours Is Different From Your Spouse

This column offers a simple strategy to help couples reduce and de-escalate conflict. It discusses common struggles behind closed doors. Common issues between spouses during the pandemic have to do with risk tolerance differences, feeling trapped and resentful. This piece offers perspective and ideas that will help in practical ways and apply to couples in general around other issues and in other situations.

Selfishness in Couples: Narcissism, Lack of Interpersonal Skills, or Something Else?

Selfish behavior or lack of empathy that looks like narcissism can be a manifestation by hidden hurt and resentment caused by insideious unresolved marital issues.

Should You Punish Bad Behavior? the Answer May Surprise You

Should you punish bad behavior? Punishment, including self-punishment, can teach the wrong lesson and is different from consequences. Even when we (or someone else) deserve to feel guilty, guilt can backfire and make people worse.

“That’s an Ugly Shirt. I’m Just Saying”

Lately the annoying expression “I’m just saying” keeps coming up in everyday conversation. The remark preceded by “I’m just saying” is unsolicited and provocative. “I’m just saying” creates a confusing interpersonal dynamic. The speaker unconsciously attempts to trick the listener into believing an altered reality in which he or she is blameless, and the listener is implicitly accused of having an unfounded reaction.

The Psychology of a Cheating Spouse

Learn why people cheat in relationships and whether it means they don’t really love their wife (or husband). The answer may surprise you.

The Psychology of Midlife Crises in Men

Midlife crisis in men can trigger identity issues, affairs, and risky behaviors. Recognize warning signs and learn healthy coping mechanisms.

The Unspoken Issue With Guns

This blog discusses recent data on guns, violence, and abuse.

When Does Repentance Fail to Lead to Improved Behavior?

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: The Raw Power of Repentance (French, July 28th 2025)

When Fantasy Crosses the Line

Fantasizing about another person may seem like a harmless indulgence, but it actually draws us closer to temptation and can increase the risk of being unfaithful.

When Good Intentions Fall Short

Research has shown that regardless of what happened in the past, we can heal and grow and be good parents. Findings in neurobiology further suggest that whether we heal or continue to pass on our pain is determined by our capacity to know and integrate the truth of our experience into a cohesive story – emotionally and interpersonally, past and present. This article tells a real life based story about a high achieving man who struggled with periodic bouts of anger, mostly towards his children and occasionally his wife. During these incidents, he projected a superior and critical attitude and became entrenched in rigid, pre-fabricated ways of thinking and acting. He exhibited an impenetrable certainty that he was “right” and was convinced that others deserved what they got and needed to be taught a lesson – a way of thinking and behaving reminiscent of his dad.

When “I’m Sorry” Doesn’t Work

Many people readily apologize but find it doesn’t get them very far – or even aggravates the problem. Learn the psychology behind bad and good apologies, including 5 simple steps for apologies that work.

When Men Feel Trapped: a Practical Guide

Male midlife crisis is essentially an identity crisis that occurs at around midlife that evolves into a crisis when men act out their feelings and have an affair or otherwise blow up their lives. Men in a midlife crisis feel trapped in an identity or lifestyle that feels constraining and they want to break out. This can lead to destructive behavior that dismantlles their lives or an impetus to make positve changes.

Who Said It’s Not Your Affair?

Any marriage or relationship can be vulnerable to an affair. There are different types of affairs. They may be motivated by the need for: excitement, sex, escape, feeling desirable, emotional connection, or a vehicle to leave a legitimately flawed marriage.

Who’s in the Middle of Your Marriage?

Is a parent intruding upon your relationship? Understanding this dynamic and learning some practical strategies can help.

Why Some People Will Never Admit They’re Wrong

Frustrated by someone in your life who won’t admit they are wrong? Learn the psychology behind this problem and how it impacts relationships.