Ph.D. Psychologist
Newton, MA
Articles on Shame, Guilt, & Out of Control Behavior
By Dr. Lynn Margolies
In This Section
The characters from the vignettes in Dr. Margolies’ articles are fictitious and designed to be relatable to many people and common themes. They are not based on any patient’s individual situation or disclosure but were derived from a composite of people and events for the purpose of representing real-life situations and psychological dilemmas. Terms of Use.
10 Ways to Stop the Spiral of Self-Destructive Behaviors
Breaking out of self-destructive habits requires deliberate action – not willpower, talking, or insight alone. Escape behaviors are often an unconscious attempt to avoid shame and other difficult feeling states, but when they become habitual, they fuel more shame and isolation. Unwanted behavior patterns can develop a life of their own but can be tackled with practical neuroscience-based tools that leverage the way the brain works.
5 Simple Steps: Get Control Over Shame & Self-Destructive Behavior
Shame is: “I am bad” vs. “I did something bad.” Hidden shame often drives self-destructive behaviors and other psychological symptoms such as rage, avoidance, or addictions.
Barriers to True Forgiveness
Well, forgiveness is not so simple. We cannot just decide to forgive and command ourselves to make it happen through sheer force of will.
Being a Grownup When Your Kid Hates You
This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in therapy, depicting both the teen and parent’s viewpoints in divorce when the parent child relationship is affected by anger and guilt. The stories are followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance.
Dear John (or Jane) Text/Emails: Closing the Door After an Affair
An affair that is suddenly exposed or suddenly ends poses a particular risk situation for the vulnerable marriage with an unfaithful spouse. In the aftermath of an affair, feelings of loss, conflict and pressure can make it difficult to let go of the illicit relationship, compounding the lure that led to the affair in the first place.
Fantasy, Secrecy, & Compartmentalization Act as Psychological Accomplices to Affairs
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: Coldplay And the Dignity Of Shame (July 23, 2025)
Getting Unhooked From Pain & Choosing Happiness
Self-defeating behaviors can be understood as habits with psychological, often unconscious motives. Breaking these habits requires not only insight into the function they serve and the resolve to stop them, but the courage and initiative to try out new behaviors, thereby setting in motion a different chain of events. On a neurobehavioral level, new behaviors that generate positive feedback create new pathways in the brain, allowing momentum for psychological growth and change.
How Can You Mend a Broken Marriage?
Crisis forces us to mobilize – or face even greater pain, and thereby offers newfound opportunity for growth. When marriages approach destruction, the painstaking work of self-evaluation and behavior change seems worth it.
How to Resist Temptation & Be More in Control
There are two states of mind we can be in when it comes to temptation: zooming in and fantasizing about the rush, or zooming out and seeing the broader picture of how things will play out if we act on our impulses. Knowing where our actions will lead before a tempting situation takes hold gives us a chance to make an informed decision.
How to Snap People Out of Compulsive Self-Defeating Patterns
Understand why smart people repeat self-defeating patterns. Learn strategies to overcome self-sabotage and break compulsive behaviors permanently.
How to Tell What Your Guilt Means, and Turn It Around
Learn what your guilt is really telling you and what to do with it.
Is Shame Good or Bad? the Effects of Shame & Guilt
Do you know the difference between shame and guilt, why shame is worse than guilt, and how shame is transmitted?
Midlife Crises Affecting Men & Families
Midlife crises can occur in both men and women but take a particular form in men facing identity crises, often spilling into family life.
Midlife Crises Can Lead to Growth, Destruction
In midlife crisis men often feel lost or trapped. Learn how men can navigate crises, avoid destructive choices, and find genuine fulfillment.
Parent Anxiety Over Kids’ Perceived Failures (Part 1)
One of the most common difficulties for parents is how to contain their reactions and not make things worse when children don’t do well or fail to measure up to their expectations. Families with kids who are not high achievers, or who have academic or psychological challenges, are most vulnerable.
Parent Guilt Over Kids’ Perceived Failures (Part 2)
When parents feel guilty or excessively bad for children, it’s harder to set limits, be truthful and direct, and challenge kids within their zone of capability. This inhibits opportunities for children to develop self-control, confidence and realistic expectations of themselves and others, perpetuating the cycle of underachievement.
“Pleasing” Is Not the Proper Word
Describing yourself (or someone else) as a “people pleaser” confuses subordinating yourself with altruism, and encourages this unhealthy behavior. Read Dr. Margolies commentary in the New York Times to understand the psychology behind the term “people pleaser” and why the language you use matters.
Serving Up Guilt This Holiday Season
Guilt can be used unconsciously to get loved ones to do what we want. Even though this method doesn’t always produce the intended effects, we may resort to it when feeling helpless in the face of longing and disappointment.
Should You Punish Bad Behavior? the Answer May Surprise You
Should you punish bad behavior? Punishment, including self-punishment, can teach the wrong lesson and is different from consequences. Even when we (or someone else) deserve to feel guilty, guilt can backfire and make people worse.
The Psychology of a Cheating Spouse
Learn why people cheat in relationships and whether it means they don’t really love their wife (or husband). The answer may surprise you.
The Psychology of Midlife Crises in Men
Midlife crisis in men can trigger identity issues, affairs, and risky behaviors. Recognize warning signs and learn healthy coping mechanisms.
The Psychology of the Guilt-Tripper
Does a family guilt-tripper have an emotional hold over you? Here’s what makes them tick and why you feel you are being controlled.
What Men Say About Their Wives Behind Closed Doors
Underlying the stories that men tell iabout their wives n therapy is the feeling that their wives are not really their friend. Women don’t seem to realize this. For men, a “friend” means someone who likes you, is happy for you when you make it, and who encourages you in your career and personal goals because in spite of all else, they really do want you to be happy. Research on marriage has found that celebrating your partner’s success is an essential ingredient of a good marriage, and actually more predictive of a good marriage than being supportive when your partner is unhappy.
When Does Repentance Fail to Lead to Improved Behavior?
Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: The Raw Power of Repentance (French, July 28th 2025)
When Fantasy Crosses the Line
Fantasizing about another person may seem like a harmless indulgence, but it actually draws us closer to temptation and can increase the risk of being unfaithful.
When Men Feel Trapped: a Practical Guide
Male midlife crisis is essentially an identity crisis that occurs at around midlife that evolves into a crisis when men act out their feelings and have an affair or otherwise blow up their lives. Men in a midlife crisis feel trapped in an identity or lifestyle that feels constraining and they want to break out. This can lead to destructive behavior that dismantlles their lives or an impetus to make positve changes.
Who Said It’s Not Your Affair?
Any marriage or relationship can be vulnerable to an affair. There are different types of affairs. They may be motivated by the need for: excitement, sex, escape, feeling desirable, emotional connection, or a vehicle to leave a legitimately flawed marriage.
Who’s in the Middle of Your Marriage?
Is a parent intruding upon your relationship? Understanding this dynamic and learning some practical strategies can help.
