Articles on Interpersonal Boundaries

by Dr. Lynn Margolies

The characters from the vignettes in Dr. Margolies’ articles are fictitious and designed to be relatable to many people and common themes. They are not based on any patient’s individual situation or disclosure but were derived from a composite of people and events for the purpose of representing real-life situations and psychological dilemmas. Terms of Use.

Arming Yourself Against “I’m Just Saying,” and Other Annoying Phrases

Annoyed by phrases like “I’m just saying”? Learn why people use them, their hidden meanings, and practical ways to respond confidently.

Being An Actual Imposter is Now More Popular Than Imposter Syndrome

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: It’s the Era of Swagger Without the Sweat (Savannah Sobrevilla, March 29, 2026)

Can a Parent Have Too Much Empathy?

Many people experience vicarious distress when imagining other people’s reactions, which can hold them back from taking needed action in those relationships.

Competing Family Loyalties

As the child becomes an adult, a mother with an anxious, insecure attachment style may refuse to let go, secretly needing to remain the primary love attachment. This may not become apparent until her son find a romantic love partner and devotes himself to her, allowing a competitor to enter the scene. The situation is then often enacted in full drama around family events and holidays when the mother’s explicit demands, and (unspoken) expectation of “loyalty” (e.g. exclusive love) from her son, conflicts with his role as a husband.

Dear John (or Jane) Text/Emails: Closing the Door After an Affair

An affair that is suddenly exposed or suddenly ends poses a particular risk situation for the vulnerable marriage with an unfaithful spouse. In the aftermath of an affair, feelings of loss, conflict and pressure can make it difficult to let go of the illicit relationship, compounding the lure that led to the affair in the first place.

Easy Steps to Reconnect: A Guide for Emotionally Avoidant Dads

Empathic ability, or “mind reading,” develops in the brain when parents know how to translate their children’s reactions and respond in a way that helps them regulate their emotional states. This process also involves helping the child understand what is happening in interpersonal situations. The child then digests and internalizes these experiences, building the capacity to make sense of themselves and relationships, as well as manage their emotions.

Getting Unhooked From Pain & Choosing Happiness

Self-defeating behaviors can be understood as habits with psychological, often unconscious motives. Breaking these habits requires not only insight into the function they serve and the resolve to stop them, but the courage and initiative to try out new behaviors, thereby setting in motion a different chain of events. On a neurobehavioral level, new behaviors that generate positive feedback create new pathways in the brain, allowing momentum for psychological growth and change.

How to Influence Teens Who Cover Up

What to say to teens who think everything is none of your business or other porcupine tactics that shut parents out.

How to Live With Your (Newly Returned) “Grown-up” Child

Families are in transition now as college age kids that used to be living at school are returning home. Many parents are struggling with how to live with their kids who are often bolder now and have new ways of living and acting that pose a problem for parents. This column is a response to many parents requesting help with how to approach and word unwelcome conversations with their.

How to Succeed at Influencing People in Difficult Conversations

Thoughtful preparation when it comes to conversations involving strong feelings is worth the effort in order to maximize success and effect damage control. Fast forwarding in our minds to predict how communications will likely play out can make it quickly obvious whether, with whom, how, and in what situations we want to engage around loaded topics.

In the Doghouse… Again: Male & Misunderstood

Why do men so often find themselves in the doghouse with women? They try to please. They try to say the “right” thing. They do favors, buy gifts, work hard, and aim to live up to their responsibilities as a man.

Influencing People: What Works to Change Behavior (and How It Applies to Parenting)

Without accurately understanding children’s behavior, we may intervene in ways that compound the situation, creating a control struggle on top of the original problem. To be effective in helping children, we must accurately diagnose the problem and be curious: What’s causing this behavior? Though they may look the same, a problem of defiance is handled differently than one of capacity. Learning difficulties involving executive functioning are neurologically based, but executive functioning is sensitive to and impeded by stress. Parents’ reactions can, in this way, become an additional impediment to children’s executive functioning.

Manipulative or Unaware? Inside the Male Mind

Some men have a pattern of instinctively accommodating and then becoming resentful and acting it out – often without realizing it. Men vulnerable to this dynamic may have limited self-awareness or skills to communicate their needs and feelings directly. Secret rebellion against feeling controlled can manifest unconsciously through forgetting, lateness, silence, irritability. Learn how to read the signs so that you can protect your relationship and prevent negative cycles of disconnection and hidden conflict.

Men’s Issues: How Therapy Can Help

There are aspects of men’s experiences that are particular to being male. In working with men, it is important for a psychologist to understand the differences in men’s experiences, what men need, and how to best help them achieve their goals.

Mind Games in Families: How to Keep Your Sanity

Are you giving up your power in relationships with intimidating people? Understanding the psychology behind what’s happening can help you act from a position of strength.

“Pleasing” Is Not the Proper Word

Describing yourself (or someone else) as a “people pleaser” confuses subordinating yourself with altruism, and encourages this unhealthy behavior. Read Dr. Margolies commentary in the New York Times to understand the psychology behind the term “people pleaser” and why the language you use matters.

Serving Up Guilt This Holiday Season

Guilt can be used unconsciously to get loved ones to do what we want. Even though this method doesn’t always produce the intended effects, we may resort to it when feeling helpless in the face of longing and disappointment.

Surefire Ways to Alienate Your Adult Children (and Other People)

This article discusses confusing patterns that occur with narcissistic and controlling parents and other people.

“That’s an Ugly Shirt. I’m Just Saying”

Lately the annoying expression “I’m just saying” keeps coming up in everyday conversation. The remark preceded by “I’m just saying” is unsolicited and provocative. “I’m just saying” creates a confusing interpersonal dynamic. The speaker unconsciously attempts to trick the listener into believing an altered reality in which he or she is blameless, and the listener is implicitly accused of having an unfounded reaction.

The Psychology of Midlife Crises in Men

Midlife crisis in men can trigger identity issues, affairs, and risky behaviors. Recognize warning signs and learn healthy coping mechanisms.

The Psychology of the Guilt-Tripper

Does a family guilt-tripper have an emotional hold over you? Here’s what makes them tick and why you feel you are being controlled.

What to Say About Drinking: How to Tell if Your Teen Needs Limits

This column depicts the challenges parents face when trying to protect their teen. The story is told from the separate viewpoints of Dylan, 17, and his parents in a situation involving unproductive conversations about drinking. The story is followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance to the family.

When Men Feel Trapped: a Practical Guide

Male midlife crisis is essentially an identity crisis that occurs at around midlife that evolves into a crisis when men act out their feelings and have an affair or otherwise blow up their lives. Men in a midlife crisis feel trapped in an identity or lifestyle that feels constraining and they want to break out. This can lead to destructive behavior that dismantlles their lives or an impetus to make positve changes.

When Perseverance Costs You Success

Most of us know that persevering – staying the course and not giving up despite difficulties and setbacks – is an important part of what it takes to be successful in many areas of life. But perseverance, like other intrinsically healthy behaviors, can be taken too far and actually work against moving forward.

When Teens (or 20 Somethings) Think You’re Bugging Them – but Really They’re Bugging You

This article is about a common dynamic in families in which parents feel controlled by their teenage or adult child’s anger, irritability, and/or fragility and, as a result, avoid approaching certain topics or setting needed limits. Tiptoeing and avoiding instead of taking charge leads people who need boundaries to become more out of control and too powerful. The article discusses this dynamic, common obstacles to giving truthful feedback and setting boundaries, and lists practical steps for how to overcome them.

Why Appeasing or Being Silent Attracts Aggression in Bullies

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: Trump Is Playing Rope-a-Dope With Elite Law Firms (Jeffrey Toobin, March 5)

Women’s Issues: How Therapy Can Help

Some struggles that women experience are common to many women, and can therefore be attributed to or understood in this larger context of what it means to be a woman in this culture. Framing women’s issues in this larger context helps to normalize these struggles, rather than blame women for them and unfairly contribute to their shame and self-doubt.

You Should Be So Lucky: Dealing With Tragedy

People often avoid and isolate those who are grieving or have terminal illnesses, either literally or emotionally – inadvertently isolating the person in their lives who is suffering. They are uncomfortable, don’t know what to say or how to act – staying far enough away to preclude being able to really relate. They change the topic to the luck of it all or steer clear of talking about the elephant in the room. Why do people act this way.