Articles on Managing Problem Behavior

by Dr. Lynn Margolies

The characters from the vignettes in Dr. Margolies’ articles are fictitious and designed to be relatable to many people and common themes. They are not based on any patient’s individual situation or disclosure but were derived from a composite of people and events for the purpose of representing real-life situations and psychological dilemmas. Terms of Use.

10 Easy Ways to Get Along With Your Teen

Practical tips for dealing with teenagers to build trust, respect, and better communication.

10 Ways to Stop the Spiral of Self-Destructive Behaviors

Breaking out of self-destructive habits requires deliberate action – not willpower, talking, or insight alone. Escape behaviors are often an unconscious attempt to avoid shame and other difficult feeling states, but when they become habitual, they fuel more shame and isolation. Unwanted behavior patterns can develop a life of their own but can be tackled with practical neuroscience-based tools that leverage the way the brain works.

3 Easy Ways to Get Your Teen to Talk and Listen

Parents get intimidated when their teenager refuses to talk or shuts down conversations. Here are 3 simple tricks to get your teenager to talk, listen, and engage in a two-way conversation.

A Counterintuitive Approach to Your Irritable Teens

In order to help teens, we must accurately diagnose why a particular teen in a particular context is irritable or reactive – rather than respond in a reflexive way.

Apology Not Accepted: Why “Sorry” Won’t Get You Off the Hook

Learn the psychology behind bad apologies (and a simple formula for success).

Bonding With Your Teen: A Hidden Opportunity

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in families, depicting both the teenager’s and parent’s perspective, followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance.

Courage & Limits With Your Teen

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in families, depicting both the parent’s and teenager’s perspective, with teens who are too good to be true. The story helps teach parents what to look for with seemingly perfect, often high-achieving teens, and how to interpret when a child’s behavior is a disguised way to ask for help.

Does Your Teenager Want to Get Caught?

This is the story of a kid who feels propelled to act out – yet equally powerful is his unconscious need to get caught. The essence of what’s needed is to listen and respond to danger in a firm and caring way. Protection occurs through interested, open, informed, pro-active, non-judgmental conversation – and appropriate limits delivered in a non-punitive way. The research finding that a close, supportive relationship with parents (as perceived by teenagers) is the most protective measure against underage drinking, sexual activity and violence is good news for us and no surprise.

Executive Function Problem or Just a Lazy Kid: Part 1

A common denominator and basis of all executive functioning is the ability to hold things in mind, step back and reflect. Without this capacity, it is difficult to have perspective, judgment, or emotional control. Therefore, admonishing or punishing children who are not following the rules because of limited executive function is not only ineffective, but leads children who are already frustrated and discouraged to feel bad about themselves and unsupported.

Executive Function Problem or Just a Lazy Kid? Part 2 — Parent Tips and Guidance

Without accurately understanding children’s behavior, parents and teachers may intervene in ways that compound the situation, creating a control struggle on top of the original problem. To be effective in helping children, we must accurately diagnose the problem and be curious about what is happening: What is causing this behavior? Though defiance and executive function deficits can look the same on the surface, a problem of defiance is handled differently than a problem of limited capacity.

How Communication Breakdowns Between Parents & Teens Can Affect Health, Well-Being, and Safety

Communicating with teens is key—poor communication can make them feel invalidated, raising risk of self-harm. Validating feelings supports safety.

How Parents & Teachers Can Help Prevent Suicide in Teens

Although we don’t usually think of suicide as contagious, one of the strongest predictors of suicide in youth is the suicide or suicide attempt of a friend or family member.

How to Get More of the Behavior You Want in Kids (Without Really Trying)

When kids independently do what we would have wanted, either their natural inclinations sync with our values – or our values have been successfully transmitted. At these happy moments, an ill-timed temptation to jump in to emphasize a lesson may pop up from anxiety, perfectionism, or difficulty letting go. Instead of riding the wave and following children’s lead, we hijack it, emphasizing our approval, offering rewards, or reminding them this is what we’ve been saying all along.

How to Influence Teens Who Cover Up

What to say to teens who think everything is none of your business or other porcupine tactics that shut parents out.

How to Live With Your (Newly Returned) “Grown-up” Child

Families are in transition now as college age kids that used to be living at school are returning home. Many parents are struggling with how to live with their kids who are often bolder now and have new ways of living and acting that pose a problem for parents. This column is a response to many parents requesting help with how to approach and word unwelcome conversations with their.

Influencing People: What Works to Change Behavior (and How It Applies to Parenting)

Without accurately understanding children’s behavior, we may intervene in ways that compound the situation, creating a control struggle on top of the original problem. To be effective in helping children, we must accurately diagnose the problem and be curious: What’s causing this behavior? Though they may look the same, a problem of defiance is handled differently than one of capacity. Learning difficulties involving executive functioning are neurologically based, but executive functioning is sensitive to and impeded by stress. Parents’ reactions can, in this way, become an additional impediment to children’s executive functioning.

Is Perfectionism on the Rise in Teenagers? The Startling News About It’s Impact on Mental Health

Perfectionism in teens fuels anxiety and increases suicide risks. Learn how family and community pressure can silently affect teen mental health.

Midlife Crises Affecting Men & Families

Midlife crises can occur in both men and women but take a particular form in men facing identity crises, often spilling into family life.

Midlife Crises Can Lead to Growth, Destruction

In midlife crisis men often feel lost or trapped. Learn how men can navigate crises, avoid destructive choices, and find genuine fulfillment.

Mind Games in Families: How to Keep Your Sanity

Are you giving up your power in relationships with intimidating people? Understanding the psychology behind what’s happening can help you act from a position of strength.

Power Plays Between Brothers & Families

This column tells a story about power plays between brothers and in families, depicting how the troubled relationship between two brothers was a therapeutic opportunity to change maladaptive family patterns. The story is told from both the parent’s and the brothers’ perspectives, followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and practical guidance to the family.

Preventing the Spread of Suicide in Teens

Teens don’t feel safe talking to adults about suicide. Some suicidal teens may be good actors – showing us what we want to see. Learn how to make it safe for your teen to talk to you and trust you, and what not to do. This article offers practical advice about how to recognize vulneralbe teens, the warning signs that they may be at risk, and how to help.

Protecting Teens From Danger: Tips & Advice for Parents – Part 2

The teenage brain has been compared to a car with a powerful gas pedal and weak brakes when stimulated by the presence, or even anticipated witnessing, of other teens. Drawn to their peers, teens pull away from us – and then rev each other up into risky experimenting and sensation-seeking. Parents can help teens stay safer and develop the skills to make better decisions by using approaches informed by the teenage mindset. An effective and empowering strategy with teens involves being mindful of their limitations and intrinsic motivations/drives, using their biases to our (and their) advantage – and in the service of positive choices..

Seduced by Risk & Danger: Inside the Teenage Mind

Research suggests that adolescence may represent a “critical period” in which the brain is particularly sensitive to being shaped by experiences – creating both vulnerability and opportunity depending on what behaviors are practiced during this time. Teens who take the most risks have relatively poorer outcomes in adulthood in relationships and work. But, interestingly, teens who are risk averse have equally poor outcomes as those who are the riskiest.

Serving Up Guilt This Holiday Season

Guilt can be used unconsciously to get loved ones to do what we want. Even though this method doesn’t always produce the intended effects, we may resort to it when feeling helpless in the face of longing and disappointment.

Should You Punish Bad Behavior? the Answer May Surprise You

Should you punish bad behavior? Punishment, including self-punishment, can teach the wrong lesson and is different from consequences. Even when we (or someone else) deserve to feel guilty, guilt can backfire and make people worse.

6 Ways You May Be Misguiding Your Teen

Check out Dr. Margolies’ new article on PsychologyToday about what really predicts lifelong success for teenagers and what parents can do to help them develop into healthy, competent adults.

Surefire Ways to Alienate Your Adult Children (and Other People)

This article discusses confusing patterns that occur with narcissistic and controlling parents and other people.

Teenagers Behaving Badly? A Closer Look at the Complex Drivers of Recklessness in Youth

This blog discusses recent research on teen recklessness and how it’s not what you think.

The Danger of Hidden Pain In High Achieving Teens

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in families, depicting both the teenager’s and parent’s perspective with children who are high achievers and “too good” to be true, while dangerously suffering in silence. The story is followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance, teaching parents what to look for with seemingly perfect teens, how to interpret when a child’s behavior is a disguised way to ask for help, and what to do.

The Paradox of Pushing Kids to Succeed

Our teens are embedded in a culture driven by competition and perfectionism, where success is defined by status, performance and appearance. These values are transmitted to our children nonverbally through our emotional state and through what we notice, are impressed with, and praise or discourage in them.

The Pressure Cooker Before College: How to Actually Help Your Teen

The senior year countdown to college brings out parents’ worries and fears, which increases teens’ own anxieties and self-doubt. During this time of escalating pressure and stress in families, parents can fall into common traps that defeat their intention to help and interfere with teens developing capacities. This article helps parents recognize the traps and use positive strategies to actually help their teen.

The Psychology of Adults Who Are Controlled by a Parent

When childhood dynamics play out in adulthood, the spouse can get roped in.Conflict over competing loyalties is a dysfunctional family dynamic with men who haven’t psychologically separated from their mothers. To have a secure adult relationship, a developmental transition has to occur in which the spouse replaces the mom as the primary attachment. Childhood emotional manipulation can create psychological vulnerability that affects adult romantic attachments.

The Psychology of Midlife Crises in Men

Midlife crisis in men can trigger identity issues, affairs, and risky behaviors. Recognize warning signs and learn healthy coping mechanisms.

The Startling Data on College-Age Binge Drinking

Binge drinking in college age youth and on college campuses is an alarming, prevalent problem that has been normalized in the college culture among those involved in it.

Transforming Struggles With Kids Into Successes: Simple Strategies for Parenting

The challenge of getting certain kids (for example, kids who are distracted, hyperactive, rebellious, cranky) to follow routines and guidelines can test any parent’s patience. The flavor of the struggle varies with age and topic, but begins when toddlers first discover autonomy and revel in saying “no,” and this trend can persist throughout adolescence.

What Parents Don’t Know About Internet Porn: a Parent Guide

Parents can mediate the negative effects of internet porn on teens.

What Teens Are Doing Online (and Don’t Tell Their Parents)

Why do teens watch porn? How it impacts their views on sex, consent, and relationships—and what parents can do to effectively address these issues.

What to Say About Drinking: How to Tell if Your Teen Needs Limits

This column depicts the challenges parents face when trying to protect their teen. The story is told from the separate viewpoints of Dylan, 17, and his parents in a situation involving unproductive conversations about drinking. The story is followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance to the family.

When Teens (or 20 Somethings) Think You’re Bugging Them – but Really They’re Bugging You

This article is about a common dynamic in families in which parents feel controlled by their teenage or adult child’s anger, irritability, and/or fragility and, as a result, avoid approaching certain topics or setting needed limits. Tiptoeing and avoiding instead of taking charge leads people who need boundaries to become more out of control and too powerful. The article discusses this dynamic, common obstacles to giving truthful feedback and setting boundaries, and lists practical steps for how to overcome them.

Why is Weed Use A Problem for Youth?

Youth ages 18-25 have the highest rate of weed use, and this is increasing (SAMSA, 2025). But why does using weed really matter? Older generations may have used weed too and found it harmless. Who is impacted negatively by weed and why? What are the short- and long-term dangers?

Why Some People Will Never Admit They’re Wrong

Frustrated by someone in your life who won’t admit they are wrong? Learn the psychology behind this problem and how it impacts relationships.