Karla Hailer-Fidelman’s column (April 4 TAB) is part of an ongoing discussion in Newton, and now nationally, spurred by the Times article featuring Newton North.
As a Newton psychologist working with students at North and elsewhere, I struggle with teens to fight the harmful effects of pressure to prove themselves and not disappoint others. The Times article failed to impart the deleterious effects of immersing teens in environments rewarding superhuman standards, subversively glorifying perfectionistic values and singling out certain high achievers as “amazing girls.” Creating celebrities of these “amazing girls” alienated and reinforced the insecurity of those not cited as amongst the upper echelon.
What about finding “amazing” basic human traits such as treating your younger brother with kindness or protecting those less popular? Or maybe we should consider why we need to have our children be “amazing” in the first place. Believing that being the best will pay off or bring happiness sets kids up for disappointment. Fierce competitive drive is often not simply a healthy desire to learn and challenge themselves, but is propelled and contaminated by fear of failure instilled by parents and teachers, and felt as anxiety and inadequacy by teens.
The sequelae of this culture include: low self-esteem (in spite of external evidence of “success”), depression, emptiness, self-reproach — especially in response to perceived failures, and a superficially happy “false-self” — requiring constant admiration and validation. These teens are often fulfilling parents and teachers’ expectations and need for validation, robbed of the space to find their own way.
This topic should serve as a reminder to the media and parents that what is most important is not putting pressure on girls to excel in everything but to support the unique needs, strengths, and direction of individual girls, whether or not compatible with popular culture and definitions of “success.”
Response from Newton Tab and Daily News Tribune
Last week, Lynn Margolies, Ph.D., commenting on a New York Times article, wrote a courageous letter to the editor that merits comment. All too often communities like Newton lose sight of the costs of being “amazing.” While focusing on one worthwhile avenue of growth, the system fails to recognize the benefits of the many routes to personal satisfaction and success. As a result, many amazing students who seek out their own paths and pursue their own passions while maintaining their unique sense of self and their self-esteem (some within the four walls of the high school and some outside those walls) go unrecognized and unheralded. As adults, we realize that real accomplishment does not boil down to a single event. Perhaps we would be wise to remind our students that their four years in high school are not defined by what college they are accepted to on a single day but instead by what they learned about themselves, others, and life in the time they were there.
— Linda Stoller
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