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10 Easy Ways to Get Along With Your Teen

Practical tips for dealing with teenagers to build trust, respect, and better communication.

10 Ways to Stop the Spiral of Self-Destructive Behaviors

Breaking out of self-destructive habits requires deliberate action – not willpower, talking, or insight alone. Escape behaviors are often an unconscious attempt to avoid shame and other difficult feeling states, but when they become habitual, they fuel more shame and isolation. Unwanted behavior patterns can develop a life of their own but can be tackled with practical neuroscience-based tools that leverage the way the brain works.

3 Easy Ways to Get Your Teen to Talk and Listen

Parents get intimidated when their teenager refuses to talk or shuts down conversations. Here are 3 simple tricks to get your teenager to talk, listen, and engage in a two-way conversation.

4 Match-Up Types: Which One Do You (Unconsciously) Select?

Find out why matching with certain types of people can lead to surprising outcomes you did not expect (or want).

5 Common Mistakes When Engaging Someone Who Won’t Talk

People make similar mistakes that are not so obvious when trying to engage someone who doesn’t want to talk. Considering the audience and previous interactions with them allows us to predict how conversations will play out and make informed decisions. Good timing is observing the other person’s mood and state of mind, and getting their consent before launching a question or statement.

5 Simple Steps: Get Control Over Shame & Self-Destructive Behavior

Shame is: “I am bad” vs. “I did something bad.” Hidden shame often drives self-destructive behaviors and other psychological symptoms such as rage, avoidance, or addictions.

6 Proven Ways to Help Teens Make Safe Choices

Helping teens make good choices. Reduce risky behavior. Proven strategies for teaching how to make the right decisions and better decision making.

A Boy Divided: How Children are Affected in Contentious Divorce

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in families, depicting the child’s experience of being caught in the middle between their parents in a contentious situation, as well as the parents’ perspective. These descriptions are followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance.

A Counterintuitive Approach to Your Irritable Teens

In order to help teens, we must accurately diagnose why a particular teen in a particular context is irritable or reactive – rather than respond in a reflexive way.

A Good Sex Life Is Not Just About Chemistry

Feelings that are unconscious or unresolved make themselves known through actions and symptoms. Persevering to uncover the true and often underlying meaning of symptoms and behaviors may not only save your relationship, but also open you up to a deeper awareness of yourself and your partner.

A Guide to Sending Your Teenager Off to College: Overcoming Common Challenges

With the arrival of summer, many teenagers will be preparing to go off to college and leaving home for the first time. In this final leg of the race, families face many challenges navigating this transition.

A Quiz on Teens: 5 Common Misconceptions Even You Might Still Believe

Learn the facts about the teenage brain. Take this short quiz to see if you still harbor common stereotypes about teens.

A Surprising Cause of Conflicts in Relationships (and Easy Remedy)

A common but hidden cause of conflict in relationships is harboring an inaccurate belief about your partner’s (or teenager’s) intentions. Our perception of why the other person did or didn’t do something, and what we believe that means, can make or break whether the conflict becomes insidious or gets resolved.

Academic Performance & Pressure

Academic Pressure

Academic Pressure & Perfectionism

Affairs & Fantasy

Advanced Search

Amazing Doesn’t Have to Mean Superhuman & Perfectionistic

Dr. Margolies’ Letter to the editor with a response from the publication.

Anger Issues

Anger & Stress

Anxiety & Insecurity in Parents

Apology Not Accepted: Why “Sorry” Won’t Get You Off the Hook

Learn the psychology behind bad apologies (and a simple formula for success).

Approach

Approaching Difficult Topics

Are You Confusing Rumination With Problem-Solving?

An ill-fated but common problem is failing to recognize rumination as a sign of anxiety, and confusing it with thinking things through.

Arming Yourself Against “I’m Just Saying,” and Other Annoying Phrases

Annoyed by phrases like “I’m just saying”? Learn why people use them, their hidden meanings, and practical ways to respond confidently.

Articles

Assertiveness & Boundaries

Attraction & Romance

Barriers to True Forgiveness

Well, forgiveness is not so simple. We cannot just decide to forgive and command ourselves to make it happen through sheer force of will.

Being a Grownup When Your Kid Hates You

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in therapy, depicting both the teen and parent’s viewpoints in divorce when the parent child relationship is affected by anger and guilt. The stories are followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance.

Being a Wise Ally for Your Kids

How do we deal with getting our loved ones to do what we want them to do? In all relationships we feel the tension created by this dilemma. The subtext of interactions between parents and children facing conflict shapes the template kids develop and carry with them.

Being An Actual Imposter is Now More Popular Than Imposter Syndrome

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: It’s the Era of Swagger Without the Sweat (Savannah Sobrevilla, March 29, 2026)

Binge Drinking During Adolescence Primes the Brain for Alcohol Use Disorder in Adulthood

Teen drinking alters brain development, increasing anxiety and cravings, and heightens risk for adult alcohol use disorder and addiction.

Bio

Bonding With Your Teen: A Hidden Opportunity

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in families, depicting both the teenager’s and parent’s perspective, followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance.

Boundaries

Breaking Self-Defeating Patterns

Breaking Stereotypes: Why Women Excel at Financial Negotiation and Decision-Making

This blog discusses recent findings that women may be more effective than men in negotiating finances in certain situations and making smart decisions.

Breaking Up With Your College-Bound Teen

Feeling rejected, worried, or fed up with your college-bound teen? You are not alone. Here’s what to do.

Can a Parent Have Too Much Empathy?

Many people experience vicarious distress when imagining other people’s reactions, which can hold them back from taking needed action in those relationships.

Can Having a Conscientious Spouse Have an Impact on Your Career?

Wondering how to support your spouse’s career? Research shows a supportive partner boosts success, job satisfaction, and happiness by reducing stress.

Childhood Trauma

Choosing a Therapist

Clear Thinking & Decision Making

Competing Family Loyalties

As the child becomes an adult, a mother with an anxious, insecure attachment style may refuse to let go, secretly needing to remain the primary love attachment. This may not become apparent until her son find a romantic love partner and devotes himself to her, allowing a competitor to enter the scene. The situation is then often enacted in full drama around family events and holidays when the mother’s explicit demands, and (unspoken) expectation of “loyalty” (e.g. exclusive love) from her son, conflicts with his role as a husband.

Competition Among Women: Myth & Reality

Women seem to have a reputation for being “catty” and competitive with other women, unlike how men behave with other men. This is a curious notion, especially since women are actually less competitive than men out in the world and less comfortable being competitive.

Connecting with Teens

Coping With Trauma & Avoiding Misconceptions

Most of us function by maintaining an illusion of control over life with only dim awareness of possible catastrophe. A basic sense of security runs in the background of our psyche – like a computer operating system – imperceptible until it crashes. When our security is ripped away by trauma, we’re shocked and catapulted into a different reality. Suddenly the threat of danger and loss looms large, making us acutely aware that life is fragile.

Couples Issues

Couples Therapy

Marital/couples therapy is a form of therapy which involves working with both partners of a couple to improve their relationship and/or help them make important decisions about the relationship.

Couples Therapy

Courage & Limits With Your Teen

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in families, depicting both the parent’s and teenager’s perspective, with teens who are too good to be true. The story helps teach parents what to look for with seemingly perfect, often high-achieving teens, and how to interpret when a child’s behavior is a disguised way to ask for help.

Crisis of Confidence in a Teen Athlete: It’s a Family Matter

This story is about a teenager who undergoes a crisis of confidence, after her identity was challenged by a sports injury. Her resulting difficulties challenged the well-being and stability of the whole family.

Cultivating Women’s Strengths

Daughters Growing Up, Mothers Growing Scared

Difficulties with separation often are activated during developmental transitions such as the first day of kindergarten, adolescence, high school graduation, leaving home and finally, marriage. At these junctures, mothers need to step back and let go, allowing their children to mature and transition to the next level.

Dear John (or Jane) Text/Emails: Closing the Door After an Affair

An affair that is suddenly exposed or suddenly ends poses a particular risk situation for the vulnerable marriage with an unfaithful spouse. In the aftermath of an affair, feelings of loss, conflict and pressure can make it difficult to let go of the illicit relationship, compounding the lure that led to the affair in the first place.

Difficult Conversations

Disclaimer

Disguised (& Overt) Hostility

Divorce

Does Your Teenager Want to Get Caught?

This is the story of a kid who feels propelled to act out – yet equally powerful is his unconscious need to get caught. The essence of what’s needed is to listen and respond to danger in a firm and caring way. Protection occurs through interested, open, informed, pro-active, non-judgmental conversation – and appropriate limits delivered in a non-punitive way. The research finding that a close, supportive relationship with parents (as perceived by teenagers) is the most protective measure against underage drinking, sexual activity and violence is good news for us and no surprise.

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on Why Rebellion Is Subordination in Disguise

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: How college-educated Republicans learned to love Trump again (Michael Bender, January 14)

Dreaded Conversations

Earning Respect

Easy Steps to Reconnect: A Guide for Emotionally Avoidant Dads

Empathic ability, or “mind reading,” develops in the brain when parents know how to translate their children’s reactions and respond in a way that helps them regulate their emotional states. This process also involves helping the child understand what is happening in interpersonal situations. The child then digests and internalizes these experiences, building the capacity to make sense of themselves and relationships, as well as manage their emotions.

Emotional Contagion in Families

Executive Function Deficits & ADHD

Executive Function Problem or Just a Lazy Kid: Part 1

A common denominator and basis of all executive functioning is the ability to hold things in mind, step back and reflect. Without this capacity, it is difficult to have perspective, judgment, or emotional control. Therefore, admonishing or punishing children who are not following the rules because of limited executive function is not only ineffective, but leads children who are already frustrated and discouraged to feel bad about themselves and unsupported.

Executive Function Problem or Just a Lazy Kid? Part 2 — Parent Tips and Guidance

Without accurately understanding children’s behavior, parents and teachers may intervene in ways that compound the situation, creating a control struggle on top of the original problem. To be effective in helping children, we must accurately diagnose the problem and be curious about what is happening: What is causing this behavior? Though defiance and executive function deficits can look the same on the surface, a problem of defiance is handled differently than a problem of limited capacity.

Family Issues

Family Issues in Adulthood

Fantasy, Secrecy, & Compartmentalization Act as Psychological Accomplices to Affairs

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: Coldplay And the Dignity Of Shame (July 23, 2025)

Finding Your Voice

Following Your Values

Getting Teens to Talk (and Listen)

Getting Unhooked From Pain & Choosing Happiness

Self-defeating behaviors can be understood as habits with psychological, often unconscious motives. Breaking these habits requires not only insight into the function they serve and the resolve to stop them, but the courage and initiative to try out new behaviors, thereby setting in motion a different chain of events. On a neurobehavioral level, new behaviors that generate positive feedback create new pathways in the brain, allowing momentum for psychological growth and change.

Good News

Good News If You Often Feel Rejected

We all experience rejection as painful. The need to fit in and be accepted is hard-wired. The primal sensitivity to rejection impacts adult relationships, child and teen peer relationships, as well as parents and their children.

Good News on the Mind’s Impact on Physical Health

This blog discusses research on the positive effect of psychotherapy in changing the brain and the positive ways the mind can impact biology.

Guilt & Anxiety in Parents

Helpful Websites

Helping Teens Do Well

Helping Teens Succeed

Hidden Assertiveness Issues in Men

Hidden Culprits of Failed Progress

Hidden Signs of Danger in Teens

Holding on & Letting Go

Home

How Can You Mend a Broken Marriage?

Crisis forces us to mobilize – or face even greater pain, and thereby offers newfound opportunity for growth. When marriages approach destruction, the painstaking work of self-evaluation and behavior change seems worth it.

How Communication Breakdowns Between Parents & Teens Can Affect Health, Well-Being, and Safety

Communicating with teens is key—poor communication can make them feel invalidated, raising risk of self-harm. Validating feelings supports safety.

How Parents Can Help Teens Under Academic Pressure (and 5 Common Traps)

When grades are slipping and teens don’t seem to be taking action, it’s easy for parents to react from frustration and helplessness. Under pressure, we can fall into common traps without realizing it. These common instinctive reactions, even if they feel justified, add to a child’s anxiety and discouragement, destabilizing them and further reducing motivaton.

How Parents & Teachers Can Help Prevent Suicide in Teens

Although we don’t usually think of suicide as contagious, one of the strongest predictors of suicide in youth is the suicide or suicide attempt of a friend or family member.

How Pushing Kids to Succeed Can Backfire

Perfectionism in kids can harm motivation, mental health, and long-term success. Learn healthier parenting strategies for real growth and achievement.

How to Be Protective When Your Son Thinks He Is Gay

Parents don’t have the power to influence whether their child is gay or not, but do have the power to influence how their child feels about themselves. A close relationship with parents has been found to provide the best insulation from dangers in the outside world.

How to End an Affair: Examples Tell All

The phrases and behaviors that secretly perpetuate an affair.

How to Get Along When You Disagree

Are you or your spouse harboring silent resentment? There’s a better way.

How to Get More of the Behavior You Want in Kids (Without Really Trying)

When kids independently do what we would have wanted, either their natural inclinations sync with our values – or our values have been successfully transmitted. At these happy moments, an ill-timed temptation to jump in to emphasize a lesson may pop up from anxiety, perfectionism, or difficulty letting go. Instead of riding the wave and following children’s lead, we hijack it, emphasizing our approval, offering rewards, or reminding them this is what we’ve been saying all along.

How to Get People to Make Good Decisions (and Not Cause Them to Do the Opposite)

When we witness people in our lives headed down the wrong path – it’s a natural instinct to correct them, educate them about what’s wrong with what they’re doing, and argue the merits of our position. But this approach, rather than helping people change their ways, can rope us into a frustrating and exhausting struggle. Worse, though we may be “right”, this logical strategy frequently backfires and, unbeknownst to the helper, ends up reinforcing the other person’s will to do the opposite – on top of creating conflict in the relationship.

How to Influence Teens Who Cover Up

What to say to teens who think everything is none of your business or other porcupine tactics that shut parents out.

How to Live With Your (Newly Returned) “Grown-up” Child

Families are in transition now as college age kids that used to be living at school are returning home. Many parents are struggling with how to live with their kids who are often bolder now and have new ways of living and acting that pose a problem for parents. This column is a response to many parents requesting help with how to approach and word unwelcome conversations with their.

How to Overcome Obstacles to Change

We all are faced at times with trying to persuade other people, or ourselves, to change a behavior. BUt our efforts and good intentions can leave us feeling frustrated and helpless. Why is it that people don’t just do what is needed to change unhelpful patterns, even when they promise to do so and it’s obviously in their best interest?

How to Resist Temptation & Be More in Control

There are two states of mind we can be in when it comes to temptation: zooming in and fantasizing about the rush, or zooming out and seeing the broader picture of how things will play out if we act on our impulses. Knowing where our actions will lead before a tempting situation takes hold gives us a chance to make an informed decision.

How to Set Boundaries With Difficult People

Boundary setting is challenging. Most people have difficulty saying no or setting a boundary. Predictably, ithout a strategy, people resort to repeating the same tactics that haven’t worked or give in and then get resentful. Boundaries protect relationships, and this can used to leverage your own motiavation to set them and as an explicit rationale with another person.

How to Snap People Out of Compulsive Self-Defeating Patterns

Understand why smart people repeat self-defeating patterns. Learn strategies to overcome self-sabotage and break compulsive behaviors permanently.

How to Succeed at Influencing People in Difficult Conversations

Thoughtful preparation when it comes to conversations involving strong feelings is worth the effort in order to maximize success and effect damage control. Fast forwarding in our minds to predict how communications will likely play out can make it quickly obvious whether, with whom, how, and in what situations we want to engage around loaded topics.

How to Tell If It’s Time to Cut Your Losses: 6 Signs

Knowing when to quit (and that you’re not just bailing) involves predicting how the future will play out, thinking about our future self, and what matters most.

How to Tell If Your Decisions Are From Your Evolved or Primitive Brain

Decisions can be motivated by thoughtful consideration from our higher mind (frontal lobe/executive functions), or fear-based survival instincts (amygdala, impulses) from a more primitive mind. When decisions are informed by our higher mind, they are more likely to lead to positive outcomes. Alternatively, decisions driven by fear and survival instincts from the past can leave us stuck in old patterns and hold us back.

How to Tell What Your Guilt Means, and Turn It Around

Learn what your guilt is really telling you and what to do with it.

Therapy Humor

In the Doghouse… Again: Male & Misunderstood

Why do men so often find themselves in the doghouse with women? They try to please. They try to say the “right” thing. They do favors, buy gifts, work hard, and aim to live up to their responsibilities as a man.

Individual Therapy for Relationship Issues

Relationships and the ending of relationships are one of the most common reasons for talking to a psychologist. When relationships end, many people find themselves overtaken by powerful feelings.

Infidelity

Infidelity & Affairs

Influencing People Constructively

Influencing People: What Works to Change Behavior (and How It Applies to Parenting)

Without accurately understanding children’s behavior, we may intervene in ways that compound the situation, creating a control struggle on top of the original problem. To be effective in helping children, we must accurately diagnose the problem and be curious: What’s causing this behavior? Though they may look the same, a problem of defiance is handled differently than one of capacity. Learning difficulties involving executive functioning are neurologically based, but executive functioning is sensitive to and impeded by stress. Parents’ reactions can, in this way, become an additional impediment to children’s executive functioning.

Inside the Therapy Process

Internet Pornography

Interpersonal Boundaries

Is Perfectionism on the Rise in Teenagers? The Startling News About It’s Impact on Mental Health

Perfectionism in teens fuels anxiety and increases suicide risks. Learn how family and community pressure can silently affect teen mental health.

Is Shame Good or Bad? the Effects of Shame & Guilt

Do you know the difference between shame and guilt, why shame is worse than guilt, and how shame is transmitted?

Is Therapy Just a Crutch – or Does It Make You Smarter?

Is therapy good for you? Discover how therapy scientifically improves brain function, enhances learning, and fosters smarter life decisions.

Is There an ADD Epidemic in Adults?

With ADD, lack of capacity can trump the best intentions to use will-power and self-discipline to stay on track. ADD deficits often cause longstanding effects on careers and relationships, leading to underachievement and a chronic sense of frustration, shame, and failure. Educating ourselves and our loved ones about ADD is essential to prevent needless judgment, shaming, and self-blame that are common with this condition. Then, instead, we will be in a position to harness the unique, inspired energy of the ADD mind.

It’s Not Just Who You Are – but Who You’re With

Many people seek partners based on a list of qualifications or instinctive attraction to certain types. These approaches, though popular, do not consider the flavor that will emerge when features they are drawn to co-mingle with their own personality.

Jordan Neely Was Hungry. Did No One Offer Him Something to Eat?

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on a Boston Globe Column: A Black man desperate for help instead finds death on the N.Y. subway (Renée Graham, May 5)

Launching Your College Age (or Failure to Launch) Child

Leading A Double Life

Library

Limit Setting

Limit Setting for Parents

Limits & Boundaries

Managing Problem Behavior

Managing Risk & Danger in Teens

Managing Risk, Danger, & Self-Destructive Behavior

Manipulative or Unaware? Inside the Male Mind

Some men have a pattern of instinctively accommodating and then becoming resentful and acting it out – often without realizing it. Men vulnerable to this dynamic may have limited self-awareness or skills to communicate their needs and feelings directly. Secret rebellion against feeling controlled can manifest unconsciously through forgetting, lateness, silence, irritability. Learn how to read the signs so that you can protect your relationship and prevent negative cycles of disconnection and hidden conflict.

Marital & In-law Issues

Men & Women

Men’s Issues

Men’s Issues: How Therapy Can Help

There are aspects of men’s experiences that are particular to being male. In working with men, it is important for a psychologist to understand the differences in men’s experiences, what men need, and how to best help them achieve their goals.

Midlife Crises Affecting Men & Families

Midlife crises can occur in both men and women but take a particular form in men facing identity crises, often spilling into family life.

Midlife Crises Can Lead to Growth, Destruction

In midlife crisis men often feel lost or trapped. Learn how men can navigate crises, avoid destructive choices, and find genuine fulfillment.

Midlife Crises

Mind Games in Families: How to Keep Your Sanity

Are you giving up your power in relationships with intimidating people? Understanding the psychology behind what’s happening can help you act from a position of strength.

Misguided Efforts that Impede Progress

Moving Beyond Self-Subordination

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on News Articles

Online Risks & Stressors: What Teens Tell Their Parents

Online behaviors that can put teens at risk—why they hide cyberbullying, sexting, and social pressure, plus parenting tips to guide and protect them.

Outlawed by Your In-Laws

Failure to set appropriate boundaries with a mother often results in persistent in-law conflicts and problems in the marriage. Many marital issues fall into this category and can be traced to habitual boundary difficulties between mothers and sons which spill over into the man’s relationship with his wife.

Overcoming Shame & Guilt

Parent Anxiety Over Kids’ Perceived Failures (Part 1)

One of the most common difficulties for parents is how to contain their reactions and not make things worse when children don’t do well or fail to measure up to their expectations. Families with kids who are not high achievers, or who have academic or psychological challenges, are most vulnerable.

Parent Guilt Over Kids’ Perceived Failures (Part 2)

When parents feel guilty or excessively bad for children, it’s harder to set limits, be truthful and direct, and challenge kids within their zone of capability. This inhibits opportunities for children to develop self-control, confidence and realistic expectations of themselves and others, perpetuating the cycle of underachievement.

Parenting Challenges

Parenting in Divorce

Parenting Teens: 7 Important Questions With Answers That Sort Truth From Fiction

Parents of teens can use answers. But it’s not so easy to stay updated. This questionnaire highlights common questions and popular confusions to help parents sort out truth from fiction.

Perfectionism in High Achieving Teens

“Pleasing” Is Not the Proper Word

Describing yourself (or someone else) as a “people pleaser” confuses subordinating yourself with altruism, and encourages this unhealthy behavior. Read Dr. Margolies commentary in the New York Times to understand the psychology behind the term “people pleaser” and why the language you use matters.

Popular Psychology Topics

Positive Influences on Performance

Power Plays Between Brothers & Families

This column tells a story about power plays between brothers and in families, depicting how the troubled relationship between two brothers was a therapeutic opportunity to change maladaptive family patterns. The story is told from both the parent’s and the brothers’ perspectives, followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and practical guidance to the family.

Press

Preventing the Spread of Suicide in Teens

Teens don’t feel safe talking to adults about suicide. Some suicidal teens may be good actors – showing us what we want to see. Learn how to make it safe for your teen to talk to you and trust you, and what not to do. This article offers practical advice about how to recognize vulneralbe teens, the warning signs that they may be at risk, and how to help.

Privacy Policy

Proactive VS Reactive Parenting

Protecting Teens From Danger: Tips & Advice for Parents – Part 2

​The teenage brain has been compared to a car with a powerful gas pedal and weak brakes when stimulated by the presence, or even anticipated witnessing, of other teens. Drawn to their peers, teens pull away from us – and then rev each other up into risky experimenting and sensation​-seeking. Parents can help teens stay safer and develop the skills to make better decisions by using approaches informed by the teenage mindset. An effective and empowering strategy with teens involves being mindful of their limitations and intrinsic motivations/drives, using their biases to our (and their) advantage​ – and in the service of positive choices.​.

Psychologically Speaking

Psychology News

PTSD

Reactive Parenting with Teens – A Common Cause of Broken Connections

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in families, depicting both the teenager’s and parent’s perspective.

Rebellion & Defiance

Rejection Sensitivity in Parents

Relationship Dynamics

Relationship Issues

Repairing Broken Relationships

Reviews

Rewiring Your Habits

Risk Tolerance: What to Do When Yours Is Different From Your Spouse

This column offers a simple strategy to help couples reduce and de-escalate conflict. It discusses common struggles behind closed doors. Common issues between spouses during the pandemic have to do with risk tolerance differences, feeling trapped and resentful. This piece offers perspective and ideas that will help in practical ways and apply to couples in general around other issues and in other situations.

Search

Seduced by Risk & Danger: Inside the Teenage Mind

Research suggests that adolescence may represent a “critical period” in which the brain is particularly sensitive to being shaped by experiences – creating both vulnerability and opportunity depending on what behaviors are practiced during this time. Teens who take the most risks have relatively poorer outcomes in adulthood in relationships and work. But, interestingly, teens who are risk averse have equally poor outcomes as those who are the riskiest.

Self-Defeating Patterns

Selfishness in Couples: Narcissism, Lack of Interpersonal Skills, or Something Else?

Selfish behavior or lack of empathy that looks like narcissism can be a manifestation by hidden hurt and resentment caused by insideious unresolved marital issues.

Serving Up Guilt This Holiday Season

Guilt can be used unconsciously to get loved ones to do what we want. Even though this method doesn’t always produce the intended effects, we may resort to it when feeling helpless in the face of longing and disappointment.

Setting Limits with Manipulative People

Shame, Guilt, & Out of Control Behavior

Should You Punish Bad Behavior? the Answer May Surprise You

Should you punish bad behavior? Punishment, including self-punishment, can teach the wrong lesson and is different from consequences. Even when we (or someone else) deserve to feel guilty, guilt can backfire and make people worse.

6 Ways You May Be Misguiding Your Teen

Check out Dr. Margolies’ new article on PsychologyToday about what really predicts lifelong success for teenagers and what parents can do to help them develop into healthy, competent adults.

Substance Abuse

Suicide Risk in Teens

Surefire Ways to Alienate Your Adult Children (and Other People)

This article discusses confusing patterns that occur with narcissistic and controlling parents and other people.

Article List (A-Z)

Talking With Teens

Teenagers Behaving Badly? A Closer Look at the Complex Drivers of Recklessness in Youth

This blog discusses recent research on teen recklessness and how it’s not what you think.

Teens & Young Adults

Temptation, Fantasy, & Secrets

“That’s an Ugly Shirt. I’m Just Saying”

Lately the annoying expression “I’m just saying” keeps coming up in everyday conversation. The remark preceded by “I’m just saying” is unsolicited and provocative. “I’m just saying” creates a confusing interpersonal dynamic. The speaker unconsciously attempts to trick the listener into believing an altered reality in which he or she is blameless, and the listener is implicitly accused of having an unfounded reaction.

The Art of Persuasion

The Cost of Being Overly Accommodating

The Cost of Self-Betrayal

The Danger of Hidden Pain In High Achieving Teens

This column tells a story based on a composite of real-life situations in families, depicting both the teenager’s and parent’s perspective with children who are high achievers and “too good” to be true, while dangerously suffering in silence. The story is followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance, teaching parents what to look for with seemingly perfect teens, how to interpret when a child’s behavior is a disguised way to ask for help, and what to do.

The Danger of Perfectionism in Teens

The Epidemic of Sexual Violence on Campus

This blog discusses important findings on sexual assault on campus.

The Fight or Flight Response: How It Affects Men and Women’s Ability to Talk Things Out

This blog discusses research findings on why men need space.

The Impact of Cannabis Use on Bipolar Disorder Symptoms

Cannabis use is linked to an increase in mania, depression, and poor clinical outcomes for those with bipolar disorder.

The Long-Term Impact of Childhood Maltreatment

This blog discusses recent findings on the long-term effects of childhood emotional neglect and abuse. Other topics: how binge drinking in adolescents affects gene expression in adulthood, and recent finding on marijuana use in people with bipolar disorder.

The Male Mind

The Paradox of Pushing Kids to Succeed

Our teens are embedded in a culture driven by competition and perfectionism, where success is defined by status, performance and appearance. These values are transmitted to our children nonverbally through our emotional state and through what we notice, are impressed with, and praise or discourage in them.

The Paths to Progress for Our Graduates

Perfectionism in teens is rising with pressure to succeed. Learn how parental expectations impact mental health and shape success beyond high school.

The Pressure Cooker Before College: How to Actually Help Your Teen

The senior year countdown to college brings out parents’ worries and fears, which increases teens’ own anxieties and self-doubt. During this time of escalating pressure and stress in families, parents can fall into common traps that defeat their intention to help and interfere with teens developing capacities. This article helps parents recognize the traps and use positive strategies to actually help their teen.

The Problem With Appeasement

The Psychology of a Cheating Spouse

Learn why people cheat in relationships and whether it means they don’t really love their wife (or husband). The answer may surprise you.

The Psychology of Adults Who Are Controlled by a Parent

When childhood dynamics play out in adulthood, the spouse can get roped in.Conflict over competing loyalties is a dysfunctional family dynamic with men who haven’t psychologically separated from their mothers. To have a secure adult relationship, a developmental transition has to occur in which the spouse replaces the mom as the primary attachment. Childhood emotional manipulation can create psychological vulnerability that affects adult romantic attachments.

The Psychology of How We React to Witnessing Violence

Have people lost their humanity? It’s hard to feel otherwise reading about the death on New York’s subway. But other explanations may help restore hope.

The Psychology of Midlife Crises in Men

Midlife crisis in men can trigger identity issues, affairs, and risky behaviors. Recognize warning signs and learn healthy coping mechanisms.

The Psychology of the Guilt-Tripper

Does a family guilt-tripper have an emotional hold over you? Here’s what makes them tick and why you feel you are being controlled.

The Startling Data on College-Age Binge Drinking

Binge drinking in college age youth and on college campuses is an alarming, prevalent problem that has been normalized in the college culture among those involved in it.

The Surprising Power of Support: Research on How Love and Support Impacts Trauma Recovery and Buffers Pain

This blog discusses interesting new research on the positive biological effects of love and support.

The Surprising Reason Some Therapists Get Better Results

How to choose a therapist based on personality fit and connection. Understand why some therapists achieve better outcomes to find your best match.

The Teen Temperament

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on a New York Times Column: Younger Teenagers Make Their Case to Vote (Sunday Styles, Aug. 10)

The Teenage Mindset

The Truth About Teenagers That Most Adults Get Wrong

Are teenagers immune to their parents’ influence? Find out how to break through.

The Unique Strengths of Sensitive Kids and How to Help Them Thrive

This blog discusses the unique strengths of sensitive kids.

The Unspoken Issue With Guns

This blog discusses recent data on guns, violence, and abuse.

Therapy 101

Therapy Isn’t Just Talking About Problems – Here’s Why

Therapy is more than just talking about your problems. It’s a powerful platform for learning and healing. Therapy eases emotional distress, and can jump start your ability to move forward, practice more effective strategies, make more intentional decisions, and be healthier and more resilient overall – both mentally and physically.

Therapy Modalities & Approaches

Therapy Modalities Explained

Therapy modalities explained clearly, including psychodynamic, CBT, ACT, interpersonal, and systemic approaches, plus tips for choosing a therapist.

This One Thing Can Make or Break Your Therapy

Why don’t some people make progress in therapy? Find out the most common reasons why.

Tools

All Topics (A-Z)

Transforming Struggles With Kids Into Successes: Simple Strategies for Parenting

The challenge of getting certain kids (for example, kids who are distracted, hyperactive, rebellious, cranky) to follow routines and guidelines can test any parent’s patience. The flavor of the struggle varies with age and topic, but begins when toddlers first discover autonomy and revel in saying “no,” and this trend can persist throughout adolescence.

Trauma

Trauma

Understanding the Effects of Trauma: Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder (PTSD)

Many people suffering from post-traumatic stress disorder fail to seek treatment because of not having correctly identified or recognized their symptoms as trauma-related, and/or not knowing their symptoms are treatable. Also, the inherent avoidance, withdrawal, memory disruption, fear, guilt, shame, and mistrust associated with PTSD, can make it difficult to come forward and seek help. The process of integration allows the trauma to become a part of normal memory rather than something to be perpetually feared and avoided, interfering with normal life, and frozen in time.

Unintended Effects of Popular Advice

Unintended Effects of Popular Advice

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: Sorry, You Don’t Get an A for Effort (December 29th 2025)

Unlocking Potential

Violence

We Can Have an Impact

Dr. Margolies’ commentary on a New York Times article with a headline that used a poor choice of words.

Weddings, Graduations & Other Chapter Endings

Milestones such as weddings and graduations and other chapter endings are complicated and not always filled with bliss. This article is about the psychologiy of navigating major life transitions. Major transitions are difficult because they unexpectedly activate struggles around saying good-bye, letting go, facing change, and interpersonal conflicts.

What Can Therapy Do for Me?

Benefits of therapy include reduced anxiety, improved relationships, trauma recovery, better decision-making, resilience, and personal growth.

What Impacts Executive Functions?

What Men Say About Their Wives Behind Closed Doors

Underlying the stories that men tell about their wives in therapy is the feeling that their wives are not really their friend. Women don’t seem to realize this. For men, a “friend” means someone who likes you, is happy for you when you make it, and who encourages you in your career and personal goals because in spite of all else, they really do want you to be happy. Research on marriage has found that celebrating your partner’s success is an essential ingredient of a good marriage, and actually more predictive of a good marriage than being supportive when your partner is unhappy.

What Parents Don’t Know About Internet Porn: a Parent Guide

Parents can mediate the negative effects of internet porn on teens.

What Teens Are Doing Online (and Don’t Tell Their Parents)

Why do teens watch porn? How it impacts their views on sex, consent, and relationships—and what parents can do to effectively address these issues.

What to Say About Drinking: How to Tell if Your Teen Needs Limits

This column depicts the challenges parents face when trying to protect their teen. The story is told from the separate viewpoints of Dylan, 17, and his parents in a situation involving unproductive conversations about drinking. The story is followed by the therapist’s psychological analysis and guidance to the family.

What Your Words (& Actions) Reveal

When Does Repentance Fail to Lead to Improved Behavior?

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: The Raw Power of Repentance (French, July 28th 2025)

When Fantasy Crosses the Line

Fantasizing about another person may seem like a harmless indulgence, but it actually draws us closer to temptation and can increase the risk of being unfaithful.

When Good Intentions Fall Short

Research has shown that regardless of what happened in the past, we can heal and grow and be good parents. Findings in neurobiology further suggest that whether we heal or continue to pass on our pain is determined by our capacity to know and integrate the truth of our experience into a cohesive story – emotionally and interpersonally, past and present. This article tells a real life based story about a high achieving man who struggled with periodic bouts of anger, mostly towards his children and occasionally his wife. During these incidents, he projected a superior and critical attitude and became entrenched in rigid, pre-fabricated ways of thinking and acting. He exhibited an impenetrable certainty that he was “right” and was convinced that others deserved what they got and needed to be taught a lesson – a way of thinking and behaving reminiscent of his dad.

When “I’m Sorry” Doesn’t Work

Many people readily apologize but find it doesn’t get them very far – or even aggravates the problem. Learn the psychology behind bad and good apologies, including 5 simple steps for apologies that work.

When Men Feel Trapped: a Practical Guide

Male midlife crisis is essentially an identity crisis that occurs at around midlife that evolves into a crisis when men act out their feelings and have an affair or otherwise blow up their lives. Men in a midlife crisis feel trapped in an identity or lifestyle that feels constraining and they want to break out. This can lead to destructive behavior that dismantlles their lives or an impetus to make positve changes.

When Parents Split Up

When Perseverance Costs You Success

Most of us know that persevering – staying the course and not giving up despite difficulties and setbacks – is an important part of what it takes to be successful in many areas of life. But perseverance, like other intrinsically healthy behaviors, can be taken too far and actually work against moving forward.

When Teens (or 20 Somethings) Think You’re Bugging Them – but Really They’re Bugging You

This article is about a common dynamic in families in which parents feel controlled by their teenage or adult child’s anger, irritability, and/or fragility and, as a result, avoid approaching certain topics or setting needed limits. Tiptoeing and avoiding instead of taking charge leads people who need boundaries to become more out of control and too powerful. The article discusses this dynamic, common obstacles to giving truthful feedback and setting boundaries, and lists practical steps for how to overcome them.

When You Are Not The Problem

When Your Kids Disappoint You

Parents may have a clear vision of their child’s “potential.” When their child’s actual performance does not measure up, parents often become fearful about their futures. Even more unnerving is when kids don’t share these visions or worries. It’s enough to make any parent want to pressure and criticize their child. “Potential,” however, must incorporate personality, developmental and emotional factors which impinge on resilience and capacity. For example, bright kids may get poor grades when they are unable to withstand pressure, or when energies are consumed by urgent concerns such as fitting in socially or fear of failing.

Who Said It’s Not Your Affair?

Any marriage or relationship can be vulnerable to an affair. There are different types of affairs. They may be motivated by the need for: excitement, sex, escape, feeling desirable, emotional connection, or a vehicle to leave a legitimately flawed marriage.

Who’s in the Middle of Your Marriage?

Is a parent intruding upon your relationship? Understanding this dynamic and learning some practical strategies can help.

Why Appeasing or Being Silent Attracts Aggression in Bullies

Dr. Margolies’ Commentary on A New York Times Column: Trump Is Playing Rope-a-Dope With Elite Law Firms (Jeffrey Toobin, March 5)

Why is Weed Use A Problem for Youth?

Youth ages 18-25 have the highest rate of weed use, and this is increasing (SAMSA, 2025). But why does using weed really matter? Older generations may have used weed too and found it harmless. Who is impacted negatively by weed and why? What are the short- and long-term dangers?

Why Some People Will Never Admit They’re Wrong

Frustrated by someone in your life who won’t admit they are wrong? Learn the psychology behind this problem and how it impacts relationships.

Why Teens Ignore Warnings & What Actually Works

Psychologically informed approaches motivate teens to make thoughtful decisions.

Why We Hold Grudges: The Psychology of Whether to Forgive

The holiday season ramps up pressure to forgive family members who have hurt us.

Women & Trauma

Women’s Issues

Women’s Issues: How Therapy Can Help

Some struggles that women experience are common to many women, and can therefore be attributed to or understood in this larger context of what it means to be a woman in this culture. Framing women’s issues in this larger context helps to normalize these struggles, rather than blame women for them and unfairly contribute to their shame and self-doubt.

You Should Be So Lucky: Dealing With Tragedy

People often avoid and isolate those who are grieving or have terminal illnesses, either literally or emotionally – inadvertently isolating the person in their lives who is suffering. They are uncomfortable, don’t know what to say or how to act – staying far enough away to preclude being able to really relate. They change the topic to the luck of it all or steer clear of talking about the elephant in the room. Why do people act this way.

Youth